How much is petrol? 82 million a gallon? Fuck this machine!
I’ve been looking for a new car. For those who don’t know, I drive a 97 Blazer. To be generous, one might say its on its last leg. I have a oil leak problem that no one can figure out. I broke off my passenger side mirror. I’ve had problems with everything from the fuel pump to the transmission. It’s old and it sucks. Also, it get like negative 83 miles to the gallon. And that’s a real problem these days, seeing as how putting twenty dollars in your tank can only almost get you to the next gas station.
Spent this weekend looking at hybrid SUVs. Now I don’t want to hear anyone’s nonsense telling me to get a nice little practical smart car or any shit like that. 1) I am a photographer. I routinely carry a huge amount of equipment and models with me on random trips, and I need the space. 2) I live in Pittsburgh. At the top of a hill. Really, in the 11 months out of the year when we have 18 feet of snow on the ground, one really wants four wheel drive.
Anyway, I’ve recently decided that for my lifestyle the Ford Escape is the perfect vehicle for me. It doesn’t have quite the luggage capacity of my Blazer, but it’s good enough, not to mention, nice and comfy and gets better than twice the gas milage I get right now. I might even be able to drive to the corner store and back for less than $47.
The problem is, a brand new one is like $30,000. Problem number two is that I don’t have $30,000. I’ve never actually owned a new car in my life. It just always seemed kinda silly. What with the "you lose $3000 just driving off the lot" and all. I’ve always been perfectly happy with used cars. The problem is motherfuckers who bought the Ford Escape Hybrid in the last 3 years (the came out in 2005) haven’t traded them back in yet. They’re hard as hell to find, and even when I do, the cheapest I’ve seen is like $19,000. Most people still want like $25000+ for them, and at that rate, I might as well have Ford custom build me one that’s decked out and pefect for like $32,000.
Fuck I hate life. I remember like in 1998 when I was driving a Cavalier Z24 and and less than a dollar a gallon, 20 bucks would fill up my tank and leave me more than enough change for a (much cheaper) pack of smokes and maybe a candy bar or something.
I blame freedom. In a world where I am ruler we would not have these problems. Again, I implore you citizens, in the polls this fall, vote for me. Not just as president, but as sovereign lord of all I survey. We tried the little democracy thing. Gave it over 230 years. Let’s face it. It just isn’t working out. Chalk it up to a lesson learned and appoint me as ruler and I promise a utopian society beyond you’re wildest dreams.
Or at the very least, I promise that you’ll fucking be able to fill up your tank for twenty dollars.
No, well, at the very least could you all pass the hat around and get me some scratch to buy a new vehicle? I swear, $30,000 and I’ll never ask for another thing again.
I’m worth it, right?