I think it’s time for a Biden heel turn… for the good of his presidency… let me explain…
So four years ago, I went to a conference at the Southern Sociological Society that happened to be held the same week as Wrestlemania LITERALLY ACROSS THE FUCKING STREET. I gave a talk where I basically explained how I had predicted Donald Trump’s 2016 presidential victory by understanding that he was essentially running as a wrestling heel. My argument was that understanding who Trump was and his appeal to his base was understanding that traditional political theory doesn’t work. You have to understand that he didn’t run on issues, he was running on his ability to function as a heel.
Think about the people you know who actually LIKE Trump… I don’t mean your Republican friends because they tolerate him because they’re only mildly racist, misogynist or homophobic… I’m talking about the idiots who claim he was the best president ever… the ones who wear Red Hats… the ones who legit think he won the election and try to tell you about Q and 2000 mules. Those morons! Think about what they actually like about him.
I used to get into a lot of arguments with fellow liberals who thought that Trump wasn’t charismatic. He is! In fact, he’s amazingly charismatic. He’s just not doing what what you want. He’s an excellent Attitude Era wrestling heel and that’s why his base loves him. In my talk, I explained how Trump was utilizing his past wrestling experience to shape his politics and basically made … what turned out to be some rather prescient predictions. Trump excels for one and only one reason only. He has mobilized the voting power of a bunch of assholes who like rooting for the bad guy. And again, he is an absolfuckinglutly amazing heel.
And frankly, I’ve been pretty afraid that he’s going to win again. No matter what Biden wants to believe… it’s just not working. No matter how hard he’s pushed… Biden has … at best… what I would call 2015 Roman Reigns energy. And if he stays on this path…. he’s gonna lose. Big!
But I have a solution. I’m proposing a Biden heel turn!
Here’s how I see it going down. Biden has COVID so he stays completely off camera for the next two weeks… If you really want to sell it, keep him off for like four. Make people start to worry if he’s ever going to come back. They’ll crave him. There’ll be rumors that he’s dead… the Whitehouse must be hiding something! Then in mid to late August, Biden holds a press conference. He’s coming back to discuss… infrastructure. That’s right… Infrastructure. Everyone loves a good infrastructure talk! Well, they don’t… but people will tune in just to see what’s going on. At this point the people are just dying to see Biden.
Now he can’t do this by himself. We need a sacrificial lamb to job out. Someone expendable. I’m gonna nominate Pete Buttigieg! Biden and Mayor Pete come out for joint press conference. Biden gives some standard boring Biden remarks…. we’re doing well… he says something folksy. Then he turns it over to Mayor Pete. Pete goes on about improving roads and bridges or whatever for about 30 seconds… whatever… it’s Secretary of Transportation shit… no one really cares and suddenly WHAM!!!! Biden grabs a steel chair and slams Pete over the back and lays him out. Then Biden rips open his shirt and he’s wearing an RNC t-shirt beneath. He spray paints the letters RNC on Pete’s chest and walks away with Jimi Hendrix’s Voodoo Chile playing over the P.A. and commentators on CNN, Fox, MSNBC are all like “what the fuck just happened” but not ESPN. Stephen A. Smith is all “oh, we get it!”
The White House goes completely silent for the rest of the week. They won’t answer any calls or inquiries and then on Monday Biden holds another press conference where he’s now sporting a handlebar mustache and a beard made out of shoe polish. He announces his new Secretary of Transportation, his old friend Corn Pop! Corn Pop and Biden announce that they are “rNc 4 Life!” and then….
Literally nothing else changes…. exact same policies… exact same dude… except now “Let’s Go Brandon” is chanted at him positively by the deplorables and he soaks it in as a badge of honor.
Biden sees an immediate jump in approval rating and takes 80% of the vote in 2024.