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Telemarketer Theater: Phone Sex Edition

office-23Oh Hell Yeah it is!!!  That’s right. At long last, It’s the one you’ve been waiting for. The Phone Sex Edition of Telemarketer Theater!

Our hero, MAV is sitting in his office reading literary journals, because that’s just the kind of wild man he is. The phone rings in the other room. Mav goes to answer it and is greeted by a muffled sounding CALLER. Like many of the callers from phishing services, he has a foreign accent, but he has worked very hard to cover it, and we cannot be sure of the origin. He is also better at reading from the script and recovering than most callers. He has clearly been at it a long time. There is the unmistakeable mummer of a a bulk call center in the background, the kind that Mav has grown to know and love. He quickly runs back into his office with the cordless phone up to his ear and opens a web browser to a porn site. He clicks on a random video from the front page, pauses it before it begins to play.

Mav: Hello?

Caller: Hello… is [pauses to read from his computer screen] is….err…  Holly there?

Mav: Who’s calling?

Caller: Hello sir, this is Mike calling from Windows Technical Support. We have detected an emergency problem with your computer system.

Mav: Oh no, is it serious?

Caller: Well, yes sir, it seems for the last couple of weeks you have been being attacked with a virus from the centralized server.

Mav: Well, that does sound bad.

Caller: That is ok sir, we can help you. I am authorized to offer you free technical support to resolve this issue.

Mav: Gee, thanks Mike. Hey, you sound hot. [Mav presses play to un-pause the video he had queued up]

Caller: Thank you sir. Ok, I’m going to need you to turn on your windows computer.

Mav [Looking at the Macintosh in front of him]: Ok, It’s on. What are you wearing, Mike?

Caller: What am I wearing, sir?

Mav: Yeah, you sound hot. My wife and I are wondering what you have on?

Caller: I’m sorry sir?

Mav: Well, my wife, her boyfriend and I were just sitting here fucking and sometimes we like to have other people join us and we thought you might be interested [Mav turns of the volume on his speakers. so that the moaning of the porn can be heard]

Caller: Oh, I’m sorry sir, I can call back another time.

Mav: No, no, no Mike. We’re into you. It’s ok.

Caller: Ok, if you could…

Mav [interrupting]: MMMMM…. oh yeah… that’s so good….

Caller: What was that sir?

Mav: You’re doing fine, Mike. Keep going. [Mav turns speakers up even higher].

Caller: Ok, if you look on the bottom left hand side of your computer keyboard you will see a key labeled CTRL

Mav: Oh, the Sea Turtle Key?

Caller: Sea Turtle? Excuse me?

Mav: Nevermind, it was a callback.

Caller: You want me to call you back?

Mav: No, no, please keep going.

Caller: Sir, if you’re busy we can…

Mav: Mike, why don’t you come here and “help us fix it.”

Caller: Sir, I see you’re in Pennsylvania and we are in Texas, but that is ok, if you’ll work with us, we can fix this problem for you on the phone.

Mav: It’s just an excuse, Mike. I’m trying to get you here so that we can fuck you.

Caller: Sir?

Mav: Don’t you want to fuck us, Mike?

Caller: Sir, I am at work, I cannot have this conversation at this time.

Mav: Do you mind if I put you on speaker phone, Mike? Your voice is so sexy, and I think that will help my wife and our boyfriend cum. Is that ok?

Caller: That is fine sir, but as I was saying I can’t…

Mav [switching to speakerphone, and turning computer volume way up, so he is must yell over the porn sounds]: Talk dirty to us, Mike.

Caller: I cannot do that sir, we are a call center and I am under video surveillance. I certainly cannot have a conversation like this right now, but if you would like I can still help you with the virus we are detecting from your Windows Computer that.

Mav: Mike, have you ever been with another man?

Caller: Sir?

Mav: Have you ever had a man stick his cock down your throat? Have you felt a man fuck you in your tight little asshole.

Caller: No sir, I have not. I cannot have this conversation right now, sir, we have surveillance in our office and.

Mav: Would you like to fuck my wife, Mike?

Caller: But sir, they monitor the…

Mav: Mike?

Caller: Yes sir?

Mav: Don’t you hear her moaning? [Moves phone closer to speaker]

Caller: I do, sir…

Mav: That’s for you, Mike. That’s just from her hearing your sexy voice.

Caller: But sir, I am in Texas and….

Mav: Then lets just have phone sex….

Caller: But sir, I am in an office and I can not at this time…

Mav: Hey Mike, let me level with you?

Caller: Yes sir?

Mav: Mike, I know you’re not really working for Windows.

Caller: You do?

Mav: That’s right, I do. I know you’re working for working for a company that specializes in calling people and trying to steal their passwords.

Caller: But, how do you know that sir?

Mav: It’s ok, Mike… I don’t mind. I think you’re hot. My wife thinks you’re hot.

Caller: But sir…

Mav: Mike, let me ask you something. What means more to you? Some stupid little job where you make endless cold calls all day and get yelled at or hung up on or would you rather say fuck it and have the single most amazing sexual experience of your life right now?

Caller: I don’t know, sir. I don’t… I mean…

Mav: Do you hear her, Mike?

Caller: I do.

Mav: She’s about to cum, Mike. That’s all for you. You want it, don’t you Mike. How would you like to come here and fuck my wife. I’ll let you, Mike. You can fuck her, and I’ll fuck you in the ass at the same time, while our boyfriend shoves his thick cock right down your throat… would you like that, Mike?

Caller: I… uh… I…

Mav: How big is it, Mike?

Caller: Sir?

Mav: You know what I’m asking Mike. You can hear her moaning can’t you? How big is your cock, Mike?

Caller: Seven.

Mav: What was that, Mike? Say it louder. Don’t worry about that job. How big is it Mike? Shout it!!!

Caller: Seven! Seven inches!

Mav: Seven inches? Really Mike?

Caller: Yes it’s–

Voice Behind Caller: HANG UP THE DAMN PHONE!

[CLICK]

Fin!

Honestly… I’m amazed he hung in there that long. Wow.

40 comments for “Telemarketer Theater: Phone Sex Edition

  1. avatar
    September 18, 2014 at 3:00 pm

    He certainly had staying power….

  2. avatar
    September 18, 2014 at 3:01 pm

    Sounds like he hung in there for 7 inches, I mean minutes.

  3. avatar
    September 18, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    Why can’t I ever get phone calls like this?

  4. avatar
    September 18, 2014 at 3:22 pm

    Because you don’t call Mav?

  5. avatar
    September 18, 2014 at 3:28 pm

    Holy shit!

  6. avatar
    September 18, 2014 at 3:29 pm

    Damn man… I… No words Mav… I just quote lines from Dante’s Inferno sometimes and that usually gets them to think I am a whack job… This is genius though.

  7. avatar
    September 18, 2014 at 3:35 pm

    I’m surprised you aren’t in a special do not call list.

  8. avatar
    September 18, 2014 at 3:58 pm

    OMG YES

  9. avatar
    September 18, 2014 at 4:10 pm

    OMG!!!! I have tears in my eyes!!!! Stop it stop it!! It hurts!! My stomach hurts!!!!

  10. avatar
    September 18, 2014 at 4:11 pm

    Btw, you’re welcome for the motivation I gave you the other day! Haahaaaa!!!!

  11. avatar
    September 18, 2014 at 4:15 pm

    Thank you for being a small part of my life.

  12. avatar
    September 18, 2014 at 4:31 pm

    Please record the next time.
    I see a podcast series in the works.

  13. avatar
    September 18, 2014 at 4:32 pm

    This is beautiful on so many levels. Thank you for helping me laugh today 🙂

  14. avatar
    September 18, 2014 at 4:57 pm

    That was by far the most brilliant thing ever. I needed a cigarrette after reading that. Bravo Sir.

  15. avatar
    September 18, 2014 at 5:27 pm

    Thank you. I really needed a good laugh today. 🙂 now I just need to get the silly grin off my face before any of my co-workers wonder what’s up.

  16. avatar
    September 18, 2014 at 5:50 pm

    I am impressed he stayed on the line for that long. It seems like by the end you may have convinced him his job sucks and he should just have phone sex with people as his living.

    Also thank you for this. It was a bright spot in a sea of thesis work.

  17. avatar
    September 18, 2014 at 5:58 pm

    Damn, all I said was I had a Mac and they hung up on me.

  18. avatar
    September 18, 2014 at 6:08 pm

    That was a thing of beauty.

  19. avatar
    September 18, 2014 at 6:10 pm

    I had to stop reading. I’m dying of vicarious embarrassment.

  20. avatar
    September 18, 2014 at 7:08 pm

    Thank you, everyone… I’m glad you enjoyed it.

    Nikki: Yeah, I have no idea why I’m not. You’d really think there’d be something circulating with my phone number by now…

    Katrina: Well, to be fair, I’d actually been planning this one for a while. I just hadn’t had a telemarketer scam call in a while to try it on.

  21. avatar
    September 18, 2014 at 7:11 pm

    Sweet of them to finally call, and fulfill your fantasy. You should send them flowers, or some candy.

  22. avatar
    September 18, 2014 at 7:15 pm

    It totally was… I sort of want to call him back and offer him my password, social security number and credit card information just for being a good sport.

  23. avatar
    September 18, 2014 at 7:23 pm

    This is the best ever

  24. avatar
    September 18, 2014 at 7:48 pm

    Give me your password, SS and CC number, and I’ll make sure he gets it! Avoid that dreaded “after anonymous phone sex” phone call.

  25. avatar
    September 18, 2014 at 9:17 pm

    *kinda tempted to call you and tell you I work for Windows Technical Support*

  26. avatar
    September 19, 2014 at 8:08 am

    I’m kinda tempted to call myself lol

  27. avatar
    September 19, 2014 at 8:41 am

    Maybe you and I should coordinate. 🙂

  28. avatar
    September 19, 2014 at 10:28 am

    Jesus fucking Christ. Jfc

  29. avatar
    September 19, 2014 at 11:44 am

    /dies. You are amazing mav.

  30. avatar
    September 19, 2014 at 1:30 pm

    *applause*

  31. avatar
    September 19, 2014 at 4:08 pm

    Absolutely amazing. 🙂

  32. avatar
    September 20, 2014 at 12:31 am

    I had to read that aloud to Diane. I think you made her day.

    I seem to recall my late father-in-law (my ex’s late father that is) used to talk for long periods with telemarketers. He didn’t have much better to do and they weren’t supposed to just hang up so he would keep chatting for as long as he could.

  33. avatar
    Kenn
    September 20, 2014 at 9:58 pm

    Wait, what, this is real?

    • avatar
      mav
      September 20, 2014 at 10:02 pm

      Real in that I really did it? Yep, all of the Telemarketer Theaters are real.

  34. avatar
    September 21, 2014 at 12:42 am

    Have you considered plugging the land line into a fax machine and calling it a day?

  35. avatar
    September 21, 2014 at 12:43 am

    How would that be any fun?

  36. avatar
    September 21, 2014 at 9:48 am

    I’ll bet the fellow phone scammers at the phone scam agency always give your number to the New Guy as a rite of passage.

  37. avatar
    September 21, 2014 at 10:06 am

    You should start recording these.

  38. avatar
    September 21, 2014 at 11:03 am

    Yes, for quality assurance.

  39. avatar
    September 22, 2014 at 9:28 am

    Holy Hell, Mav, I finally had a chance to read this, and it is truly a thing of beauty. Well done! 🙂

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