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Telemarketer Theater: the SEA TURTLE key

IMG_1800It’s been weeks since I got to write a telemarketer theater. I was starting to worry that they didn’t love me anymore! And I’m sure you’ve all been missing them. Well the wait it over!

FADE IN:

MAV is at home on his computer and there’s a call on the landline. The Caller ID is from 1-709-555-0155 and the caller name reads simply “Newfoundland.” Our hero smiles and answers the phone. As he does a quick google check confirms that 709 *IS* actually the real area code for Newfoundland, but he is more concerned with the fact that the exchange for the phone number is 555. Mav wonders if perhaps he has woken up on a television sitcom. God, I hope so he thinks… is this the episode where he gets to bang special guest star Alyssa Milano? Cuz that would be awesome! It would be less awesome if this is a “Very Special Episode of Life with Maverick” and he gets molested by the creepy old man who owns the candy shop.

Anyway, Mav answers the phone and hears a lot of hustle and bustle in the background. The connection is not great. The CALLER does not have an obviously placeable foreign accent (not even Canadian), so two points for him, but he is obviously covering SOME sort of accent and like all telemarketing scammers of late his diction is not very good. Combined with the poor connection, he is hard to understand nonetheless.

Mav: Hello?

(beat)

Mav: Hellloooo???

Caller: Oh sorry, sir. I am calling from the Windows Computer Service about some problems we are seeing with your computer? We are MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE…

Mav: I’m sorry, could you be a little more clear?

Caller: I’m sorry sir, I am calling from the Windows Computer Service and we are seeing the warning messages on the centralized MUMBLE MUMBLE and errors MUMBLE MUMBLE log in.

Mav: You’re seeing errors from me on the centralized server of the Windows Computer?

Caller: That is correct sir.

Mav: Oh please, do continue…

Caller: I have <BEEP>

Mav: Oh wait, I have another call can I put you on hold for just a moment, I don’t want to miss any of this.

Caller: Of course, sir.

Mav: Ok, I’ll be right back. Please don’t hang up. I really want to hear about this.

<CLICK>

Mav: Hello?

Caller 2: Hi, this is Mike from Verizon can I inter…

Mav: Yeah, Mike, sorry… I’m on the other line and I really don’t have time for this.

Caller 2: Well, I can be brief sir, we believe we can save you…

Mav: No, Mike… I’m already a Verizon customer. I’m good… I really have to take this other call. Sorry.

<CLICK>

Mav: Hello, are you still there?

Caller: Yes, of course sir. We have noticed that you are generating warning on the centralized server for the Windows Computer when you MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE….

Mav: I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name.

Caller: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE…

Mav: Nevermind, please continue.

Caller: So we would like to help you out but we need your help to. MUMBLE MUMBLE.

Mav: I’m sorry, can you please speak more clearly? I’m not catching that last bit.

Caller: I’m sorry, sir. MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE

Mav: Hello, look, we have a bad connection and I’m really trying to help you hack my account here, but I can’t if I can’t understand what you are asking me to do. Could you speak slower, maybe?

Caller: Yes, of course sir. We need you to go to your Windows computer and log in right now. Can you do that?

Mav: Oh sure. I can totally do that. <Mav glances at the iMac he is sitting in front of> Ok, totally there. Logged in.

Caller: Oh yes, I can see that sir. MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE

Mav: I missed that again.

Caller: MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE.

Mav: I’m sorry, I really can’t hear most of what you’re saying. I get that you’re trying to steal my password and all, and I’m really enjoying this and would like to copy all of it down so that I can make fun of you on my blog later, but I’m just missing a lot of what you’re saying. Can you speak slower?

Caller: I will try sir. I need you to MUMBLE down by the MUMBLE MUMBLE seaturtle and find….

Mav: Seaturtle?

Caller: Yes sir, MUMBLE and MUMBLE to it you will find the win…

Mav: Wait, I missed that again. Where do you want me to look for what? Can you read from your password stealing script really slow? I’m missing a lot of it.

Caller: I… WILL… SPEAK… SLOWLY… SIR. I need MUMBLE MUMBLE.

Mav: Sorry, what was that?

Caller: I NEED YOU TO LOOK ON THE BOTTOM OF YOUR KEYBOARD WHERE THE SEATURTLE KEY IS.

Mav: Seaturtle?

Caller: Yes, sir.

Mav: What’s a sea turtle key?

Caller: No, sir. The SEA TEA ARE ELLE key.

Mav: Oh, the control key!

Caller: YES… AND NEXT TO YOUR SEA TEA ARE ELLE KEY YOU WILL SEE THE WINDOWS KEY.

Mav: I don’t have one of those.

Caller: Right next to sea tea are elle. The windows key?

Mav: No, I have a macintosh. There’s no windows key.

Caller: You are on the macintosh?

Mav: Yep. No Windows key?

Caller: Right now?

Mav: Yep.

Caller: MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE [to other people in room] <pages flipping, paper scrambling> Sir?

Mav: Yes?

Caller: What key is next to your sea tea are elle key?

Mav: Can’t you tell me? Isn’t it in your book that you have in front of you telling you what questions to ask me so you can steal my password?

Caller: Hold on sir. MUMBLE MUMBLE <more pages flipping>

Caller: Sir, you have the macintosh?

Mav: Yep.

Caller: Can you go to the Windows computer right now?

Mav: I don’t have one. I’d be happy to help you hack my mac though.

Caller: One moment. MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE (to others around him) <papers flipping. key clacking>

Caller: I’m sorry to bother you, sir.

<CLICK>

FIN

I’ve really have been waiting for one where I could try to rope the caller in for really kinky phone sex with me and my wife’s twin sister who I’m having an affair with because my wife refuses to use the 13 inch strap on on me and the 9 inch just isn’t enough anymore, because a man has needs dammit! But this one totally had to be about the guy’s mumbling problem. Maybe next time.

17 comments for “Telemarketer Theater: the SEA TURTLE key

  1. avatar
    August 4, 2014 at 6:57 pm

    Seaturtles come in handy a lot of the time when you’re really deep and about to die of starvation because you were looking for the dartboard.

  2. avatar
    August 4, 2014 at 7:07 pm

    Oh the elusive sea turtle key…

  3. avatar
    August 4, 2014 at 7:08 pm

    Lol. So much saturate win

  4. avatar
    August 4, 2014 at 7:09 pm

    Dammit phone seaturtle

  5. avatar
    August 4, 2014 at 7:09 pm

    Comedy like this almost makes me want to answer my landline. Almost.

  6. avatar
    August 4, 2014 at 7:24 pm

    I am disappointed that caller #2 wasn’t a partner call for caller #1.

  7. avatar
    August 4, 2014 at 7:39 pm

    You know I’m going to call it the Sea Turtle key from this point forward, right?

  8. avatar
    August 4, 2014 at 7:39 pm

    Bravo! Encore! Encore!

  9. avatar
    August 4, 2014 at 7:43 pm

    So funny that I read it out loud to John. #win

  10. avatar
    August 4, 2014 at 7:45 pm

    You know… These could make a Fringe show.

  11. avatar
    August 4, 2014 at 9:05 pm

    Well timed; I totally needed to laugh like an idiot tonight. Going to make a tiny picture of a seaturtle to put on my see tee are elle key.

  12. avatar
    August 5, 2014 at 10:52 pm

    These are awesome!!
    I have a great time with the hired telemarketers that call my salon telling me someone from their credit card processing company will “be in my area” tomorrow and they want to “make sure I’m compliant” or they ask me, “did you know that the federal government has passed a new law to lower your rates?”
    You see, my fiancee is in the credit card processing sales business. Not saying I know ALL about it, but I can hold my own. And of course, I process through him, and we get paid for it, a very minimal amount, but still.
    So this one day, he is standing right in front of me at the salon. The phone rings and I recognize the number from a previous call. I told him what it was, we grinned and I answered.
    Telemarketer: Blah, blah, blah, credit cards, blah, blah, blah.
    Me: Sure, my controller handles that part of my business, and he happens to be right here, you can speak with him.
    I don’t remember the exact dialogue, but let’s just say they hung up on him!!!

  13. avatar
    August 5, 2014 at 11:04 pm

    Katrina: My entire goal is pretty much to make them hang up on me. You should read the other telemarketer theaters. http://www.chrismaverick.com/wp/category/telemarketer-theater/

  14. avatar
    August 6, 2014 at 12:08 am

    Oh, I’ve read them! Laugh my ass off! I think I either posted this video on your wall, or shared it and tagged you awhile back.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ROHK0aTkCsY

  15. avatar
    August 6, 2014 at 12:28 pm

    Thanks for the list of plays all in one place Mav! I read two of them out loud last night to some friends, they are golden.

  16. avatar
    August 6, 2014 at 3:25 pm

    Scott: Yet another reason that i decided to transition the “truth copies” of my blog off of Facebook. In any case, I’m glad they liked them.

  17. avatar
    August 6, 2014 at 11:35 pm

    Sea turtle for the win. 😀 Lol that was pretty funny. If you ever get two calling at the same time you should conference them together somehow and let them try and steal eachother’s passwords forever as if in the TOS episode ‘Let that be your last battlefield’ 🙂

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