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Telemarketer Theater: the SEA TURTLE key

IMG_1800It’s been weeks since I got to write a telemarketer theater. I was starting to worry that they didn’t love me anymore! And I’m sure you’ve all been missing them. Well the wait it over!

FADE IN:

MAV is at home on his computer and there’s a call on the landline. The Caller ID is from 1-709-555-0155 and the caller name reads simply “Newfoundland.” Our hero smiles and answers the phone. As he does a quick google check confirms that 709 *IS* actually the real area code for Newfoundland, but he is more concerned with the fact that the exchange for the phone number is 555. Mav wonders if perhaps he has woken up on a television sitcom. God, I hope so he thinks… is this the episode where he gets to bang special guest star Alyssa Milano? Cuz that would be awesome! It would be less awesome if this is a “Very Special Episode of Life with Maverick” and he gets molested by the creepy old man who owns the candy shop.

Anyway, Mav answers the phone and hears a lot of hustle and bustle in the background. The connection is not great. The CALLER does not have an obviously placeable foreign accent (not even Canadian), so two points for him, but he is obviously covering SOME sort of accent and like all telemarketing scammers of late his diction is not very good. Combined with the poor connection, he is hard to understand nonetheless.

Mav: Hello?

(beat)

Mav: Hellloooo???

Caller: Oh sorry, sir. I am calling from the Windows Computer Service about some problems we are seeing with your computer? We are MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE…

Mav: I’m sorry, could you be a little more clear?

Caller: I’m sorry sir, I am calling from the Windows Computer Service and we are seeing the warning messages on the centralized MUMBLE MUMBLE and errors MUMBLE MUMBLE log in.

Mav: You’re seeing errors from me on the centralized server of the Windows Computer?

Caller: That is correct sir.

Mav: Oh please, do continue…

Caller: I have <BEEP>

Mav: Oh wait, I have another call can I put you on hold for just a moment, I don’t want to miss any of this.

Caller: Of course, sir.

Mav: Ok, I’ll be right back. Please don’t hang up. I really want to hear about this.

<CLICK>

Mav: Hello?

Caller 2: Hi, this is Mike from Verizon can I inter…

Mav: Yeah, Mike, sorry… I’m on the other line and I really don’t have time for this.

Caller 2: Well, I can be brief sir, we believe we can save you…

Mav: No, Mike… I’m already a Verizon customer. I’m good… I really have to take this other call. Sorry.

<CLICK>

Mav: Hello, are you still there?

Caller: Yes, of course sir. We have noticed that you are generating warning on the centralized server for the Windows Computer when you MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE….

Mav: I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name.

Caller: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE…

Mav: Nevermind, please continue.

Caller: So we would like to help you out but we need your help to. MUMBLE MUMBLE.

Mav: I’m sorry, can you please speak more clearly? I’m not catching that last bit.

Caller: I’m sorry, sir. MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE

Mav: Hello, look, we have a bad connection and I’m really trying to help you hack my account here, but I can’t if I can’t understand what you are asking me to do. Could you speak slower, maybe?

Caller: Yes, of course sir. We need you to go to your Windows computer and log in right now. Can you do that?

Mav: Oh sure. I can totally do that. <Mav glances at the iMac he is sitting in front of> Ok, totally there. Logged in.

Caller: Oh yes, I can see that sir. MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE

Mav: I missed that again.

Caller: MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE.

Mav: I’m sorry, I really can’t hear most of what you’re saying. I get that you’re trying to steal my password and all, and I’m really enjoying this and would like to copy all of it down so that I can make fun of you on my blog later, but I’m just missing a lot of what you’re saying. Can you speak slower?

Caller: I will try sir. I need you to MUMBLE down by the MUMBLE MUMBLE seaturtle and find….

Mav: Seaturtle?

Caller: Yes sir, MUMBLE and MUMBLE to it you will find the win…

Mav: Wait, I missed that again. Where do you want me to look for what? Can you read from your password stealing script really slow? I’m missing a lot of it.

Caller: I… WILL… SPEAK… SLOWLY… SIR. I need MUMBLE MUMBLE.

Mav: Sorry, what was that?

Caller: I NEED YOU TO LOOK ON THE BOTTOM OF YOUR KEYBOARD WHERE THE SEATURTLE KEY IS.

Mav: Seaturtle?

Caller: Yes, sir.

Mav: What’s a sea turtle key?

Caller: No, sir. The SEA TEA ARE ELLE key.

Mav: Oh, the control key!

Caller: YES… AND NEXT TO YOUR SEA TEA ARE ELLE KEY YOU WILL SEE THE WINDOWS KEY.

Mav: I don’t have one of those.

Caller: Right next to sea tea are elle. The windows key?

Mav: No, I have a macintosh. There’s no windows key.

Caller: You are on the macintosh?

Mav: Yep. No Windows key?

Caller: Right now?

Mav: Yep.

Caller: MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE [to other people in room] <pages flipping, paper scrambling> Sir?

Mav: Yes?

Caller: What key is next to your sea tea are elle key?

Mav: Can’t you tell me? Isn’t it in your book that you have in front of you telling you what questions to ask me so you can steal my password?

Caller: Hold on sir. MUMBLE MUMBLE <more pages flipping>

Caller: Sir, you have the macintosh?

Mav: Yep.

Caller: Can you go to the Windows computer right now?

Mav: I don’t have one. I’d be happy to help you hack my mac though.

Caller: One moment. MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE (to others around him) <papers flipping. key clacking>

Caller: I’m sorry to bother you, sir.

<CLICK>

FIN

I’ve really have been waiting for one where I could try to rope the caller in for really kinky phone sex with me and my wife’s twin sister who I’m having an affair with because my wife refuses to use the 13 inch strap on on me and the 9 inch just isn’t enough anymore, because a man has needs dammit! But this one totally had to be about the guy’s mumbling problem. Maybe next time.

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