ChrisMaverick dotcom

Telemarketer Theater: Right to the point

836a186c48ce26622732a5f392c92547I need some new scenarios to run phone scammers through for telemarketer theater. What makes them really good is when I can keep them on the phone for a long time. The last couple I’ve tried getting directly to the point with just to see what happens. Here’s the most recent one.

CALLER: Hello, this is John. I am calling on behalf the Windows IT department and I am here to warn you that we are detecting that your computer is voluntarily sending faulty information out to the centralized server.

MAV: Oh no, that sounds bad.

CALLER: It is ok sir, I am here to help you. Is your computer one right now?

MAV: Yes it is.

CALLER: Ok, I want you to look at the bottom left corner of your keyboard. Do you see the control key?

MAV: Yes.

CALLER: OK, next to the control key, do you see a Windows key or a Function key?

MAV: Ummm… Windows.

CALLER: Ok, sir. I’m going to need you to hold down that key and press the letter R.

MAV: OK. Done.

CALLER: Ok, what do you see now?

MAV: I see a giant cock.

CALLER: Oh really? And do you see your mother’s pussy too? *CLICK*

Seriously…  that guy just wasn’t having it at all. And so rude…. I mean, I did exactly what he said, and then looked at the screen where my background is just a big picture of Fog Horn Leghorn. Isn’t everyones?

I think I need some longer ones. I’ve been trying to work out one where I try to convince them that they’ve reached someone who has been kidnapped and is a prisoner in a basement. I’ve also considered answering all of their questions with “I am Groot.” Any other suggestions?

39 comments for “Telemarketer Theater: Right to the point

  1. avatar
    May 21, 2015 at 9:00 am

    Start with “It is I, the American Dream..

    • avatar
      May 21, 2015 at 9:10 am

      Andy: Hmmm… something like like “Oh no, has my computer fallen upon HARD TIMES, Tony Schiavone?”

      or maybe

      “But the control key has walked the roads that many many men have only dream about night after night. It has wined and dined with alts and detetes and slept in alley causing system beeps…”

      I kinda think that no matter what, I should just keep referring to the caller as “Tony Schiavone”

    • avatar
      May 21, 2015 at 9:14 am

      If the caller is a man. If it’s a woman you should call her Baby Doll Number Two

    • avatar
      May 21, 2015 at 9:14 am

      And throw in a mention of Maggie TA

    • avatar
      May 21, 2015 at 9:22 am

      They’re pretty much always men. I don’t think I’ve ever had one call that was a woman.

  2. avatar
    May 21, 2015 at 9:29 am

    I spoke with a guy for almost 10 minutes at work last month – kept asking him questions and acting concerned – then told him that I didn’t have a computer and that I had traced his call and would be visiting him shortly. He hung up quickly after that.

  3. avatar
    May 21, 2015 at 9:33 am

    I was called about “a problem inside my computer”, so I gave him a narrative description as I was [not really] taking apart the computer to get the problem lurking inside, not letting him get a word in edgewise. He stayed on the line for at least five minutes.

    • avatar
      May 21, 2015 at 1:55 pm

      Eliott: You’d have to look at some of the other ones archived on my site. They tend to get…. “extensive”

  4. avatar
    May 21, 2015 at 9:48 am

    Have you tried talking like the Macho Man for the entirety of the phone call yet?

  5. avatar
    May 21, 2015 at 10:46 am

    You are only allowed to respond to his questions using lines from “Casablanca” or “The Maltese Falcon”

  6. avatar
    May 21, 2015 at 10:50 am

    Or how about this… Respond as normal by pretending you’re following his instructions, except end every single response with “How does that make you feel?”

  7. avatar
    May 21, 2015 at 11:36 am

    You should act like HAL from 2001: “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that, Dave” (or John, whatever the situation permits).

    • avatar
      May 21, 2015 at 12:50 pm

      Yes, cause obviously his computer is evil and sentient since it’s voluntarily sending out faulty information.

    • avatar
      May 21, 2015 at 1:24 pm

      Mav: you could have a bunch of responses typed up, then use text-to-voice in word (or something) to play them as the situation calls for.

    • avatar
      May 21, 2015 at 1:46 pm

      I am a fan of this, but I believe he should refer to the caller as “Dave” no matter what name the caller gives.

    • avatar
      May 22, 2015 at 4:30 am

      Or have something set up to answer it in stephen hawkings robotic voice

  8. avatar
    Parker
    May 21, 2015 at 12:59 pm

    How about replacing key words in classic Star Wars quotes with various tech buzzwords?

  9. avatar
    May 21, 2015 at 4:59 pm

    Parker commented on ChrisMaverick dotcom:

    How about replacing key words in classic Star Wars quotes with various tech buzzwords?

  10. avatar
    May 21, 2015 at 6:04 pm

    Why do you keep getting telemarketer calls? I must be accidentally doing something right; for the sake of science I’d like to figure out what it is. Also I haven’t been called for jury duty in 10 years.

    • avatar
      May 21, 2015 at 6:22 pm

      Telemarketer theater is a bit of a misnomer. They aren’t telemarketers. The do not call list protects me from that. These are actually scammers. In theory my landline number is on some list somewhere that people running phishing scams buy.

  11. avatar
    May 22, 2015 at 3:40 am

    You’re basically a douche bag f’ing with people trying to earn a living for no reason

    • avatar
      May 22, 2015 at 5:06 am

      Won’t somebody think of the poor con men and thieves?

    • avatar
      May 22, 2015 at 5:45 am

      1) I am not a douche bag. I’m more of an asshole. Totally different.

      2) I am fucking with them for a very good reason. It’s very amusing to me and my readers.

      3) I have little sympathy for someone whose job is to steal my identity.

      4) so you’re basically a douche bag trying to shame people who blog for a living for no good reason?

    • avatar
      May 22, 2015 at 5:47 am

      I can’t recall Mav doing these things to any actual, legit telemarketers. And it is always open season on scammers.

    • avatar
      May 22, 2015 at 9:31 am

      Misunderstood that these were scammers. My apologies. Carry on and prosper

    • avatar
      May 22, 2015 at 9:36 am

      But do try to come up with something better than “naked pictures of your mom”

    • avatar
      May 22, 2015 at 9:39 am

      But do try to come up with something better than “naked pictures of your mom”

  12. avatar
    May 22, 2015 at 7:34 am

    Ask them what they’re wearing and tell them to talk dirty to you. ‘Okay now hit the control key’ ‘I like control. Do you like control? How hard should I hit the control key? It’s been very naughty lately….’

  13. avatar
    May 22, 2015 at 8:38 am

    Try to do what they say, on an Atari 800 or Commodore 64.

    • avatar
      May 22, 2015 at 9:13 am

      Oooh… I should totally try to convince him that I am running a C64 on the internet and I really need help

  14. avatar
    May 22, 2015 at 9:24 am

    Have you tried to ‘tech support’ them? I am not remembering at the moment.

  15. avatar
    May 22, 2015 at 9:29 am

    ^ maybe something like George RR Martin’s Dos machine where he writes in Wordstar. Or make it a dial up machine and tell the caller you can’t go online as you are talking to him and your 14.4 modem needs the phone dial. Maybe use this when connecting.

  16. avatar
    May 23, 2015 at 6:22 am

    It occurs to me that the script The Windows Computer always uses is really a bad script. Perhaps you should do one where you spend the whole time trying to “help” them rewrite it. And of course by help I mean make it even more ridiculous.

    • avatar
      May 23, 2015 at 7:24 am

      I did one like that. I can’t remember if i posted it or not. It wasn’t very funny. The guy did call me back like 3 times though.

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