I know it’s cliche, but I write a lot of things in the shower. Somehow, it’s just a good place to get a lot of ideas sorted out. I don’t necessarily know what I am going to be writing in the shower, but I do have a lot of ideas there. Today, I was planning on thinking about a paper that I need to work on, but instead my mind drifted and I had an idea for another Telemarketer Theater. I hadn’t worked out all of the kinks, but I had a basic premise and I figured I’d work out the details later before I got the next call. But then when the phone rang as I was toweling off, I somehow knew before I even got to the caller ID that this was going to be one of those calls…
INT. PITTSBURGH HOME – DAY
Our hero, MAV is just stepping out of the shower and toweling off when the phone rings. Somehow he just knows that it’s going tot be a phishing scam call, so he excitedly rushes to the phone. He sees the callerID and takes the cordless phone into his office to answer. He drags his fingers across his computer trackpad and pulls up iTunes. CALLER 1 has a thick Indian accent and speaks in a very rushed tone.
MAV: Hello, WMAV… who am I speaking with?
CALLER 1: Hello, I am calling from the Windows Technical Service and…
MAV: Your name please?
CALLER 1: Hello, I am calling from the Windows Technical Service and we have detected…
MAV: I need your name!
CALLER 1: Hello, I am calling from…
MAV: Your name! Quick! The song is almost over, we’re running out of time!
CALLER 1: What?
MAV: Your name? What is your first name? Quickly!
CALLER 1: Harry.
MAV: Hello, Harry. What city are you calling from?
CALLER 1: I am calling from the Windows Technical Service and we have detected a virus on your…
MAV: No, Harry. Really quick. I need the city you are calling from. We’re almost out time. What city?
CALLER 1: Texas.
MAV: Thank you… Please hold.
Mav covers up the bottom of the headset to muffle the sounds and then hits play on the computer so that he can blast the very end of “Play that Funky Music White Boy.” He turns down the sound on the speakers to fade out the song as he begins speaking in an over-pronounced radio DJ voice.
MAV: And welcome back, that was Wild Cherry rocking it out like they always do. This is DJ J.D. Radio and you’re listening to WMAV, 108.9FM! The last station on your radio dial! Where the 70s never died! We have the 99th caller on the line. Harry, are you there?
CALLER 1: Uh… yes….
MAV: Harry, you are our 99th caller on WMAV where the the 70s never died. Are you ready to answer our 70s trivia question for 1,089 dollars?
CALLER 1: What?
MAV: You’re calling in to answer our 70s trivia question, right? Where if you have the right answer you can win $1089 from 108.9FM the station where it pays to play!
CALLER 1: $1089?
MAV: That’s right, Harry! Are you ready!
CALLER 1: Uhh…. one moment please.
The caller clearly covers up his phone and we hear mumbling between two people as they discuss something. This goes on for about twenty seconds. When the voice comes back, it is clearly someone else. CALLER 2 still has an accent, but is far easier to understand and more excited.
CALLER 2: Hello?
MAV: Harry, are you there? Is that you?
CALLER 2: Yeah, yeah… it’s me.
MAV: You sound different, Harry.
CALLER 2: No, it’s me. I’m Harry. How do I get the money?
MAV: Well, slow down Harry, first you have to answer our trivia question. Are you ready?
CALLER 2: Yeah, yeah…
MAV: Ok, I am reaching into our trivia vault. [Rustles papers on desk] Whoooo!!! Ok, Harry, this is a doozie! Your question is: Who is the main villain in the 1970s classic science fiction film, Star Wars? You have 15 seconds!
CALLER 2: Ummm…. let me think. Ummm…. Can you repeat the question?
MAV: I sure can! Who is the villain in the 1970s classic science fiction movie, Star Wars?
CALLER 2: Uhh…. Can you spell it?
MAV: Sure, why not? S-T-A [Mav can hear the callers typing at their computer on the other side so he goes slower] R – space – W – A – R – S. Star Wars. Who is the main villain in the classic 1970s film Star Wars?
CALLER 2: Uhh…. uh…. hold on…. uh…. umm…. [mumbling to other people in room]… Is there a multiple choice?
MAV: There sure is. Is it Luke Skywalker, Han Solo or Darth Vader?
CALLER 2: Uh… ummm… uh… Is it A?
CALLER 2: Yes definitely A.
MAV: Are you saying the answer to the question the villain in Star Wars is A, the hero Luke Skywalker or C, the villain Darth Vader?
CALLER 2: Yeah, uh… It’s Dark Vater. Yeah.
MAV: That is correct! You have just won! Congratulations!
CALLER 2: When do I get my money?
MAV: Hold on Harry, I have to play us out. [Mav queues up another song on iTunes]. You’re listening to WMAV radio, 108.9FM. The last station on your radio dial, where the 70s never died where Harry from Texas has just won $1089! Harry what’s your favorite radio station?
CALLER 2: Uh… W-mumble-mumble-mumble.
MAV: That’s right! Ok, I want everyone to keep on rocking as we take you to Funkytown with Lipps Inc! The is DJ JD Radio and I’m out!
Mav turns up speakers louder and then mutes it and returns to his regular voice.
MAV: Whew. That’s exhausting. Are you still with us Harry? You did great.
CALLER 2: Yeah, yeah. How do I get the money?
MAV: Well, as soon as it clears legal, we mail you a check. Will that be ok?
CALLER 2: uhhh… yeah, sure… I guess….
MAV: So I will need your name and address. Harry what?
CALLER 2: Actually make that. Henry. Henry [Redacted].
MAV: Oh, you want the check made out to Henry instead?
CALLER 2: Uh…. yeah.
MAV: And the address?
CALLER 2: 741 [Redacted] Tawas City, MI 48763
MAV: and phone number?
CALLER 2: 989 [redacted]
MAV: So that’s Michigan, not Texas?
CALLER 2: yes, that is correct? When do I get the check?
MAV: There is no, check, Henry, This is Special Agent John Derringer of the Internal Revenue Service. We have you on 47 counts of fraud, and conspiracy to commit identity theft over a wire.
CALLER 2: What?!?!? But I…
MAV: Henry, you do not work for Microsoft.
CALLER 2: Uhh, but I do. I don’t.
MAV: We’re the IRS, Henry, we’ve been watching you for a very long time. We just recorded your location and caught you using an assumed name while trying to illegally tamper with an interstate game of chance. That’s an additionally felony. Are you aware of that? Would you like to turn yourself in peacefully or should we dispatch our agents to your home?
CALLER 2: You don’t know where I live. I have done nothing wr—
MAV: Ok then, we’ll do it the hard way. That would be Henry [Redacted] at 741 [Readcted] Tawas City, MI 48763, phone number 989 [Redacted]. Diane can you dispatch Agent Jones to that address immediately. Tell him he is looking for a man of Indian descent named Henry [redacted]. He is to arrest Mr. [Redacted] and any associates that he finds in his company immediately to stand trial in a federal court on the charges of…
CALLER 2: Shit!!! [CLICK]
To great the great philosopher, Addams Family Pinball, “There… see what greed will get you?”