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Who the fuck broke the Girl Scouts?

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Day 119 – by PhotoKat

So I have email from my niece, (or at least a server somewhere pretending to be her and sending me a nice form letter) asking me to help her girl scout troop by buying nuts or magazines…

Ummm… what the fuck? Magazines? Nuts? Where the fuck are the cookies?

I may not know much about this world, but there are some simple truths that I rely on in order to get through this thing that I call life:

  1. Water is wet
  2. Fire is hot
  3. Gravity pulls downward
  4. The Boy Scouts exist for the sole purpose of discriminating against homosexual boys while at the same time indoctrinating heterosexual ones into a variety of thinly veiled homosexual rituals
  5. The Girl Scouts exist for the sole purpose of providing me with Thin Mints, Do-si-dos, Tagalongs and Trefoils and therefore keeping me off the crack pipe.

That’s it. That’s how the world works. I don’t need a subscription to Family Circle or Teen Vogue. I sure as fuck don’t need a bag of pistachios. What I need is a box of Do-si-dos. Look at me. I’m clearly unstable. A Thin Mint or two may be the only thing keeping me from blowing some guy in the alley by my house for an eight ball cut with baking soda. See what you’ve done, Girl Scouts? See what has become of me?

By the way, the picture that accompanies this post is not my niece at all. I don’t have a picture of her selling Girl Scout cookies. Instead it is my good friend PhotoKat, because I’ve always loved that picture and because as creepy as I may be, I’d totally rather stare at Kat’s legs than my seven year old niece’s. See, even I have standards!

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15 comments for “Who the fuck broke the Girl Scouts?

  1. avatar
    November 7, 2014 at 5:54 pm

    LMAO Mav!!!!! Love it. We actually have many packages of nuts in my house as I type. It’s Kai’s last year…..

  2. avatar
    November 7, 2014 at 5:55 pm

    Yes, it’s from our niece. And I’m sure the nuts will be yummy!

  3. avatar
    November 7, 2014 at 5:56 pm

    The nuts are quite good, yes. I finished my can all by myself!!! Lol

  4. avatar
    November 7, 2014 at 5:59 pm

    That’s the fall sale….cookies after xmas…been that way for along time ( I used to sell them, once upon a time)

  5. avatar
    November 7, 2014 at 6:16 pm

    Number 4 should be amended to include hating on atheists

  6. avatar
    November 7, 2014 at 6:21 pm

    I am in charge of the Magnut sale for our troop

  7. avatar
    November 7, 2014 at 6:33 pm

    It’s called MagNuts & it is the fall fundraiser for GS.

  8. avatar
    November 7, 2014 at 6:39 pm

    Sounds like they’re selling giant nuts.

  9. avatar
    November 7, 2014 at 7:33 pm

    My friends daughter is doing this too. I will only accept peanuts. And only if they are in butter form. And layered between a cookie and chocolate.

  10. avatar
    November 7, 2014 at 8:35 pm

    No, the Boy Scouts also discriminate against queer scoutmasters. So, not their only purpose.

  11. avatar
    November 7, 2014 at 8:42 pm

    the boy scouts do several things… so do the girl scouts, water, fire and gravity… i was just giving their main purposes… so yeah, atheists, queer scoutmasters… also included…

  12. avatar
    November 7, 2014 at 10:49 pm

    Cookies will be available at the end of January.

  13. avatar
    November 8, 2014 at 12:04 am

    Cookies always come out around the start of Lent.

  14. avatar
    November 8, 2014 at 12:06 pm

    I can help you here in a few weeks when my daughter starts taking orders for cookies 🙂

  15. avatar
    November 8, 2014 at 1:47 pm

    I thought the boy scouts only existed to rip you off with overpriced popcorn in order to further the perceived value of thin mints and samoas

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