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I have figured out the Papacy…

And so the Pope just announced that evolution totally exists and that God isn’t magic…

Yep… ok, I understand what’s going on now… The whole pope all an elaborate practical joke. I know you think I’m full of shit, but I’ve done extensive research for more than five solid minutes just now (enough to write a freshman paper), and the results are irrefutable! Look at how this breaks down:

  • 1948: Producers Allen Funt creates Candid Camera and with it invents mass market practical joke. The show is on the air in on and off for the next 57 years. Serving numerous cancellations and Funt’s own death.
  • 1992: Allen Funt retires with the cancellation of the most recent version of Candid Camera
  • 1996: Candid Camera returns, with Peter Funt who had been serving as co-host and is Allen’s son, was now host.
  • 1999: Allen Funt dies.
  • 2003: Underwear model, dimwitted character actor and pretty boy Asthon Kutcher clones the show, producing a version, Punk’d, which specializes in large scale jokes on celebrities.
  • 2004: Peter Funt’s version is cancelled.
  • 2005: Pope John Paul II dies. He is replaced with Pope Benedict.
  • 2006: A flurry of “Pope is a former nazi” headlines hit the press. They’re refuted along further scrutiny.
  • 2007: Punk’d is cancelled, because it has become too hard to pull off massive jokes since everyone is aware of it.
  • March-June 2012: Punk’d returns for a new season after a five year hiatus.
  • March 2013: Pope Benedict retires. Is replaced by Pope Francis (or as I like to call him NuPope).
  • May 2013: Punk’d producers announce that a “new season is in the works.” They refuse to say anything else.
  • 2013-2014: NuPope (All the Flavor of OldPope with half the calories!) makes a flurry of very radical statements, slowly beginning to transform the Catholic into an organization tolerant of homosexuality and atheists and that maybe women should be ordained.
  • August 2014: Peter Funt’s Candid Camera returns, on the dregs of basic cable. No one notices, But, no one has mentioned anything about Punk’d in a year and a half.
  • October 2014: NuPope (Same Great Pope. NuPope Smell!) announces “yeah, about that whole everything created in six days thing… screw it, we’re going go with science.”

I know the secret. NuPope is secretly Allen Funt!

Funt never died. He just had his show stolen by his son. Bitter over losing the show, he faked his death and started backing a pretty boy model, creating an updated version that Peter couldn’t compete with. Having trouble with finding new celebrities to punk, they decide to punk the world. They float rumors that the pope is a nazi. But it doesn’t take. They cancel the show and go underground for five years, punking celebrities until they have enough material for a new season. It airs. They go underground again, noting that they are “working on something big.” They pull the plug on the pope Benedict experiment and Funt puts on a pair of Clark Kent glasses and a funny hat, installs himself as NuPope (with Electrolytes!) then starts subtly making crazier and crazier statements.

Just you wait… in 2017, you’re going to see the NuPope (now with Kung Fu Grip!) and Ashton Kutcher sitting together on an MTV stage, announcing Punk’d season 10!

Of course by then the Catholic church will require mandatory homosexual group marriage while using MDMA and cloning fetus farms for spare parts. But who cares?!?! When the Nielsen’s come out, they’re totally going to pull a ten share!

Funt and Francis

Francis is on the left… Funt is on the right… wait… the other wa… uh… wait… Dammit! Come on… tell me you can tell them apart?


4 comments for “I have figured out the Papacy…

  1. avatar
    October 28, 2014 at 3:21 pm

    It’s about ethics in videogame journalism.

  2. avatar
    October 28, 2014 at 3:45 pm

    Oops! There it is!

  3. avatar
    October 28, 2014 at 5:14 pm

    Somehow I knew YOU would be the one to figure it out.

  4. avatar
    October 28, 2014 at 10:36 pm

    Smile! You’re on heretic camera!


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