Ok… That’s it. I give up. I admit it. Donald Trump is smarter than I am. He’s smarter than you are. He’s smarter than all of us. It’s not that I don’t disagree with him on policy (which I do). It’s not that I think he says stupid and/or offensive stuff pretty often (he does). It’s not that I think he’s supervillain (I mean duh). It’s just that I am now completely convinced he’s doing this on purpose. And he’s amazing at it.
I don’t even think it’s just nefarious anymore. On the contrary, I think it’s brilliant. Donald Trump is nothing if not a ratings whore. That’s why he just HAD to make his SCOTUS pick during primetime. That’s why he can’t let the Apprentice go. He loves ratings. And frankly, he’s good at ratings. And that’s what he’s doing here. He’s building the best practical joke show of all time. It is now quite clear that Donald Trump has punk’d America. And HOVAdammit, he’s clearly brilliant at it.
I made this bold prediction a like three years ago that Pope Francis is secretly Alan Funt in disguise, teamed up with Asthon Kutcher for a 10th season of Punk’d. For those who don’t know, back in 2013, MTV and Kutcher announced that they were filming a new season of Punk’d but didn’t want to give any details til it was ready, and then they have never mentioned it again. I’ve always contended that NuPope is a secretly alive Alan Funt who has been placed as a mole to Punk the Catholic church by restructuring it systematically in progressively more unrealistic ways. And that any day now (I originally predicted sometime in 2017) Kutcher will be revealing it all to the world. But one joke does not a season of Punk’d make.
Two jokes, however…
And clearly he second joke was installing Donald Trump as leader of the free world. I’ve heard people argue that Trump was a stunt and a joke ever since he first announced. I always said he wasn’t. I always said that he was a maniacal madman and that he was serious and that’s what makes him dangerous. I said that he believes all the crazy ridiculous stuff that he says he believes. I predicted he’d win by energizing the forgotten vote of crazy people who believe shit the he believes. And I was right…
Except now I’ve changed my mind… sure he did all of that, but he clearly doesn’t believe any of it… they’re just trying to take this train as far as they can and see how ridiculous they can get.
Because earlier tonight (well, last night, since I’m writing this at 4 in the morning), KellyAnne Conway (the hand of the king, as it were) was on Hardball with Chris Matthews and argued that the Muslim ban they’re currently pushing is just like the one Barack Obama did after the Bowling Green massacre. Here’s a clip:
The relevant part here is 2:30-3:00 in the video. Now sure, the obvious problem with this and where Chris Matthews was going is that Trump’s ban and Obama’s ban have key differences and yes… maybe these things should be discussed. But really, who can get to that, because they question you should be asking yourself right now, is WHAT THE FUCK IS THE BOWLING GREEN MASSACRE?
There’s no such thing. My first thought was that maybe she was confusing Bowling Green University and Kent State University. They’re both schools in Ohio. Except her point was that the Obama administration let two radical Iraqis in who ended up shooting up Bowling Green… and that’s not what Kent State was… or who did it…. and also that happened in 1970. Maybe she didn’t mean Bowling Green, Ohio. Maybe she meant Bowling Green, Kentucky. Only, that never happened either. I even thought of the Boston Marathon Massacre. I mean, both start with B, right? Only that was a bomb, not a shooting and they’re not from Iraq. Really this doesn’t sound like anything else that has ever happened in America ever. So I’m left with just agreeing with the Washington Post here and saying SHE FUCKING MADE IT UP!
Like this one’s hard to even call an alternative fact. There’s just no way to really spin it. There’s no event that matches up with what she’s talking about. Washington Post is assuming she’s talking about the arrest of two Iraqi men on attempted weapons trafficking in 2011. And maybe? I mean, it’s hard to call that a massacre in any way shape or form. Really, I feel like they just found the only two Iraqis arrested in one of the two Bowling Green cities in the last 8 years and said “ok, that must have been it.”
And see, that’s how I know it’s a joke. This one can’t be an accident. She even says “most people don’t even know about the Bowling Green massacre. No one ever reports on it.” She’s all but challenging the viewer to fact check her. There’s only two real possibilities here. Either someone gave her a completely made up fact to use as a talking point, or she made it up on the spot. There’s just no other way to be that specific about something and yet be completely 100% fictional. She wanted this one to get caught.
And if she wanted it to get caught, then there’s really only one logical reason. Her job is hard enough trying to defend the “mistakes” (or alternative facts if you will) that come from Trump or Spicer on a daily basis. She certainly doesn’t want her job to be harder. So instead, this must be about making it easier. This is that moment on Punk’d or Candid Camera where they just do something completely ridiculous just to see how far they can take it…
It’s the middle of the night right now, but the news sites re already picking up on this. And I know that somehow, by the time I wake up tomorrow… Trump surrogates assigned by the GOP are going to be trying to fix this. See, they’re not in on it. He’s punking them too.
And that’s just amazing television. Perfectly scripted. Perfectly produced. Perfectly acted. Give the man an Emmy. Give him ALL the Emmys. He deserves it. Bravo!!! I mean, wow… talk about playing the long game. I mean, that part where he called for the assassination of his opponent? That was inspired. I mean we should have all picked up on it then. But no, the man is thespian and he fucking sold it. He had us going all the way up to the end.
And to Trump personally, I have to say. Wow. Bravo, good sir! Bravo! That was a great one! You got us good.
Umm…. can we please have the country back now?