(title of post suggested by my mother)
I just got in a fight. More on that later….
I was a scrawny little kid growing up. Being a scrawny little kid means you get picked on from time to time. Being a scrawny little kid who is also smart makes this even worse. Being a nerdy scrawny little kid who is also kinda a smart ass pretty much seals the deal. Luckily I’m not afraid of fights. When I was in the third grade I was being picked on by two bullies, Chad and Brian (I’ll never forget their names). They beat me up as I was leaving the school. I ran away. When I got home (I only lived a block away from the school) and told my grandfather he told me that he never wanted me to run from a fight ever again. He told me that it didn’t matter if I won the fight or lost, but never run away ever again. Don’t be afraid to get hit. All that mattered is that I try my best and take down as many of them with you as you can. The next day the two kids jumped me again. Brian put me in a choke hold as Chad started punching me in the stomach. Time slowed down in my head. I kicked Chad in the nuts. He went down. Then I bit down on Brian’s arm and ripped a chunk of flesh out of it. He went down too. I kept punching him the face until my grandfather came and pulled me off of him and told me that was enough.
When my mother got home from work, my grandfather told her what happened. He told her “look, I just want you to know. But I want you to understand that Christopher (my grandfather always used the long version of my name) is not to get in trouble for this. I watch those two boys pick on him every day. They won’t do it again.” He was right. The next day, Brian came to school with a massive bandage on his arm and I don’t think either of them ever even spoke to me again. My grandfather may have been crazy, but he was brilliant. I try to live up to that every day.
The point is, I’m not afraid to take a hit.
Anyway, back to today. I was doing some cleaning and I realized I was out of Windex. I also needed cigarettes so I decided to walk up the street to the store (it’s only a block away). There were some people (a black family, two women in their 30s or 40s, a teen maybe 17-19, and a boy maybe 8) hanging out talking on the porch across the street. Apparently they were trying to get my attention and I didn’t notice at first. They yelled louder.
Teen: Hey! Don’t you hear me?
Teen: I said do you have a cigarette?
Woman 1: Yes he does, nappy headed asshole.
Woman 1: You have cigarettes. You’re just being a jagoff, nappy headed asshole.
Mav: Actually I don’t. I’m going to the store to buy some. I probably would have offered you one on the way back. But now, fuck you.
Ok, for the record, if you’re ever in that situation, the smart thing to do is walk away. I don’t really do that. See, like i said, I’m an asshole.
Anyway, I continued to the store. I bought my smokes and my windex and because I was in the mood decided to get some cookies too. It occurred to me as I was leaving the store that “I bet they’re going to try to fuck with me on the way back.” See, here I have to explain something that Cedric The Entertainer calls the “I wish they would” factor. Cedric claims that when I white person gets in a confrontation they say stuff like “now, now… I don’t want any trouble…” but when a black person does they say stuff like “I wish nigga would try to start something…” I don’t know that I really believe that it breaks down that cleanly along racial barriers… but that said… I’m that guy.
So as I’m walking back home (making sure to be on my side of the street) and I pass their house, they start singing songs about me… in unison!
All: There goes that nappy headed nigga! Walking down the street! There he goes! The nappy headed nigga, won’t share his cigarettes!
(Ok… I admit, I’m kinda flattered that I was enough in their heads from the previous short exchange that they went out of their way to work out a poorly harmonized jingle. The nappy headed bit was a bit much; this is a fresh relaxer, “and don’t pretend like my hair ain’t fabulous, when you know it is!” Thanks Katt Williams.)
Teen: What’s your problem?
Mav: What’s your problem? You really have nothing better to do than make up songs about me?
Teen: Mind your own business, bitch!
Mav: You’re singing about me. You are my business.
Woman 2: Why don’t you take your half-black ass out of here.
Mav: Actually I’m completely black. Why the fuck does that matter?
Teen: You need to get out of here bitch. You don’t want none of this. What’s your problem? Mind your business.
Mav: Again, we won’t have a problem if you weren’t yelling insults at me because I wouldn’t give you a cigarette.
Woman 1: For your information the cigarette wasn’t for him. It was for me. I wanted it. See you don’t know nothing. Now get your nappy half breed ass out of here. Go home and stroke your dick!
Mav: I really don’t care. I just want to be able to walk down the street without a bunch of ignorant niggas having nothing to do but insult me from across the street.
Woman 1: See, that’s your problem. You’re tainted!
Woman 1: You’re tainted! You’re tainting your people!
Mav: Uhhh… do you even know what that means?
Teen: Get out of here you bitch?
Mav: Ok, really, is that all you have? This is getting boring.
Woman 2: That’s what we have. Get out of here, mother fucker, you know you can’t beat him. He’ll take your ass down.
Mav: I’m really not trying to.
Teen: Yeah, get the fuck out of here, bitch!
Mav: I’m trying to. But you really have nothing better to do then yell insults at me and I don’t see why I shouldn’t insult you back.
Woman 1: That’s right. Get out of here before he fucks you up. You know you can’t take him.
Mav: Look, I honestly don’t give a fuck. But you guys do. So I’m going home.
Teen: Yeah, that’s right. Get the fuck out of here bitch. You don’t want none of this.
Mav: Look, I’m leaving. But if you want to do this more. I live right over there. Fuck you niggas.
And then I walk away. I get maybe 10 feet and I feel him club me in the back of the head. He pushes me into a telephone pole and grabs me around the throat. And starts punching me in the side of the head. I reach back and squeeze his throat. I think that startles him, so he drags us both down to the ground. And then continues to punch me on the right side of the head. Honestly, I thought his punches would be much worse than that. He doesn’t seem to really know how to throw one. Jake Garett used to hit me WAY harder on like a monthly basis back when I was wrestling and like… he actually likes me! The kid does have a pretty good choke on me, and he has maybe 3 inches and 20lbs or so on me, so I don’t have a good angle to pry him off. So instead I fall backwards, back headbutt him to create a little separation, rake his eyes and grab for his throat again. That makes him stop punching me for a second to try and tighten the choke so I grabbed his wrist and cheese grated his knuckles across the concrete. The nice thing about both wrestling and martial arts is that they teach you to sort of remain calm and think about what’s going on when someone is punching you in the face (so, by the way, thank you Meron, Doe, Hentai and Glenn). Anyway, the knuckle scraping was completely intentional. I wanted a nice identifying injury on him for when the cops showed up in case he ran. Then I kept twisting his arm and tried to go for an arm bar. Finally Woman 1 (who I think was his mother) pulled him off of me. I let go and she shooed him back towards they house and then started yelling at me.
Woman 1: That’s what you get for charging my son!
Mav: What are you talking about? I haven’t left this side of the street!
Woman 1: You did it before with your car!
Mav: Lady, I have no idea what the fuck you are talking about.
Woman 1: Leave us alone or next time we’re calling the cops!
Mav: I’m calling them right now.
Woman 1: Good!
They all run back in the house. Now, it’s worth mentioning that I obviously dropped my bag after the first hit. I left it right where it was because I wanted to mark the spot of the attack. See, I watch a lot of Law and Order. I also made sure not to move too far. The entire ordeal from the second he hit me to where she pulled him off of me took place over four sidewalk squares. Like I said, I was thinking through this pretty clearly. The cops, to their credit got here in about two minutes. In fact, I was still on the phone with 911 explaining the story as they showed up. I gave the story to the cops…. They went to the house where the women claimed that there was no teen there and that I was fighting with their 8 year old son (remember, I mentioned him in the beginning of the story). They didn’t seem to buy that and so they started interviewing other witnesses and the old lady who lives across the street from me corroborated my story, giving the same description of the teen that I did. The women continued their claim that there was no such person in the house and they didn’t know what I was talking about. The cops didn’t believe that I was in a fight with an eight year old and that somehow he bruised my eye and scraped up my knee without me doing any damage to him, but since there was no immediate threat and the women said no, they said they couldn’t really search the house without a warrant, but he expects that the teen probably ran out the back door and the women are covering for them.
So that’s tonight’s adventure. Yes, I am fine. There will probably be a bit of black eye tomorrow, but not much of one… he really is not a good puncher. He did rip the sleeve of a really nice T-shirt that I kinda love (Jack Bauer for President) so that will probably become a tank top now, and even worse he tore a hole in the knee of one of my nicest pair of jeans. That’s the part I’m maddest about. But yes, again… I am fine. And no, I don’t recommend letting things escalate the way I did.
But really, I don’t run from fights. Thanks Lonzo!
Glad you’re ok. Next time, tombstone piledriver.
Not one of my moves. 🙂 and I didn’t want to kill him. The arm at was fine.
Oops. Typo. Arm bar.
figured as much haha
Apparently my phone autocorrect doesn’t understand the very important word “armbar”
Chris Jericho would be pissed.
whoa. i’m glad you’re ok.
Glad you’re all right! Those people were idiots.
Yep. That was pretty clear from the get go.
Oh gosh, glad you’re okay.
I’m glad you’re ok, and if any of the manhandling I did back in the day helped, all the better. I’ve found the same thing, once a fight starts, I’m more composed, and that’s likely due to exposure.
Honestly, I don’t think the wish you would thing has as much to do with race as age. I was very “wish you would” when I was young. Now I’m more, “well, I guess this is happening.”
Also, glad to hear you aren’t “tainted,” whatever that fucking means.
Yeah. That was the weir part. Especially since they said it twice so I knew they really meant it. That part almost made me laugh and break character.
My frosted side says crush him and his entire family yadda yadda yadda I’m glad you’re alright. Next time avoid telling them where you live…
Well… I was two houses from mine. It’s not like they wouldn’t have seen me go in the door.
Always an adventure.
Hey, that’s *my* middle name. 😉
You tell a helluva story. I’m glad you’re alright.
Hey…i mean, I don’t mind taking a punch… But if I’m going to I’m certainly not going to do it without getting a good story out of it.
Holy crap. I’m really glad you’re okay.
Dude. Glad that ended up the way it did. If you gave this as your report to the cops, did they fill up their entire notebook taking it down? 🙂
Hah! Maybe. He did write a bunch. Which reminds me, I’m not particularly worried or anything, but you know should I turn up dead in the next day or two, my case number is CCR# 16-97727.
I needed to write that down anyway so I can remember it for if I ever hear from the investigators. Which I expect I won’t.
Creedence Clearwater Revival. 16-97727 got it
glad you are okay.
Glad you are ok.
(Also, I have also been surprised by bad punching)
Yeah… that was weird. I mean kid was definitely big enough that he should have been able to do some more damage than that. One thing that might have hurt him was that he was holding me in the choke and trying to punch from close range. Since he didn’t know how to throw a punch, he probably couldn’t get much power going from there.
What’s that mean?
Actually I really was being safe. Like I said I was thinking pretty clearly the entire time.
Chris Maverick it means I am glad you are Ok. I hope tomorrow it doesn’t turn out you have a hidden injury.
Oh. Well I’m pretty sure I’m fine. Like I said, a couple scrapes. Maybe a bruised eye. It doesn’t even look like that’s going to happen.
Sure. As someone who ignores injury because I don’t want to deal with injury, I hope you don’t. I ignored a pinch nerve in my neck for months before I rehabbed to fix it. My hope is you pay attention if you have an injury to address it and not ” walk it off”.
Well. I won’t say I’m not guilty of that because I am. But really. I’m fine.
What’s so fucked is that it’s people from your neighborhood. Surely they’ve seen you before?
Probably? I mean I assume that’s how they knew I smoked?
But to be fair I mostly don’t pay attention to most of my neighbors so I can’t say for sure that they even live there. I was assuming purely based on the fact that they were sitting on the porch. It’s entirely possible some of them do and some don’t.
I wish Sean and I lived closer. I’d love for your little brothers to pay a visit to your neighbors.
Eh. It’s fine. I’m perfectly happy to let it go. I just thought it made a good story.
Your lucky he punched you kids these days don’t fight anymore at least not with there hands leave the the crazies alone
Oh that visit would be totally for my benefit
Hahahaha Sean don’t be letting your inner old man out.
Real talk people don’t have Lonzo’s anymore that tell them it’s ok to loose a fight so they bring ? to a ?? fight
Oohhhh Lonzo was the best!
Nah people still fight. The occasional knuckle head pulls a gun out but of all the bar fights I’ve been in, around or broken up only a few went to weapons (one gun, one knife, one pools tick, and a couple a times chairs) I know it only takes once but it’s still safe to fight, it’s when people start believing that everyone else is gonna shoot them that everyone else starts shooting first. Spreading that thought makes it a kind of self fullfilling prophecy. Just my opinion though.
Whoa, glad you’re okay.! But damn, that was an interesting read.
Oh Mav. When are you going to move to philly where it’s safe? Lol
Hahah. There I would have been slightly more worried about being shot.
I’m glad you’re all right. I have many feelings about the situation, ranging from “shit I hope that guy doesn’t get a knife or a gun” to “wait, was the other neighborhood woman a witness to the fight? Isn’t that probable cause to search to house?” to “wow, racism.”
I actually had my knife in my back pocket. I almost always do. Another of my grandfather’s rules was “never leave home without your knife”
But again, I wasn’t really worried about getting hurt. If he was seriously injuring me I totally would have stabbed him.
I’m very glad you’re OK, and happy no one in that group had anything worse to assault you with than ill-formed slurs and wimpy punches.
Yeah. Even though it probably doesn’t sound like it from the story, there was a lot of threat assessment going through my head the whole time.
I get it. I’m still glad.
I’m just glad that teen didn’t have a gun. You can certainly take a punch and show this young man a thing or two but you v. a gun would have ended differently. Kids these days have no sense.
Eh… Kids never had any sense. It’s just always easier to look back and think it used to be better.
Maybe they never had anymore sense but they weren’t as well armed. ?
Also not really true. Maybe a little. But There were always thugs. You probably just were less aware of it.
Clearly my work makes me more aware of it now but I also think there are more guns. There always were thugs – they were just using different weapons when we were kids.
Man, fuck those fuckers.
And their couch.
Shit. I’m glad you’re okay Mav! Tainted. wtf. Also: I was really glad a gun did not show up in this story.
Thanks. Yeah… Really I don’t recommend people handle things the way I did. I’m honestly not really afraid of being shot. That takes a little recklessness to have that attitude and it probably isn’t smart.
Okay. But your friends like you best w/o bullet holes. Or knife wounds. <3
Awww… not even just one or two?
Not even one or two! Even tho scars are hot. I know. I am a high maintenance friend.
Chris Maverick , I recommend you be a little bit more afraid of being shot.
All I saw there was “scars are hot”
Unbelievable. People are so bored and empty that they have to create drama to justify their lives. I’m sorry that happened and glad you’re OK.
Yeah. Not sure if it was boredom, an attempt to establish dominance or (as has been suggested in other comments) they had a beef with someone else and thought I was him.
Great Story as always! My dad told me they used to call grandpa Whomp-em (or something like that) cause he was always “piecing nuckas up” Rodney told me that when he used to go watch Grandpa play softball with Lynn Thomas Holly that she would say something like “oh Lord, daddy fighting again”
Not exactly Jason. Your Grandpa was VERY slow to anger. It’s just that he didn’t have any in between switches. He was either calm & friendly (almost all of the time) or (on the rare occasion) “get yo’ s***, Daddy’s about to go OFF”! Oh and the nickname was Whompus ? – paint your own picture on that one! LOL
Got it! Knew it was “something” like that! Lol
Jason Thomas ❤️
That’s when aunty would say “hey let’s go down the slide! You wanna go down the slide?” Meanwhile lonzo done let somebody have it! Lol
Heather Thomas-owens Hahahahahaha! Y’all are SO SILLY!
But you really shoulda never responded. People have killed for less then you went through. Glad you’re ok tho cuz!
Yeah. Ignoring them would have been smarter. But like i said… I don’t really do that.
They straight up called you half-breed. Internalized racism is a fucker.
Yeah. The teen was about 3 shades yellower than me. That kinda surprised me too. Maybe because my wife is white? Or maybe they confused me with another dude who used to live down the street?
Glad you are OK.
The car thing makes me think they were confusing you with someone else who probably antagonized them. Hopefully it’s over now, do you walk past there a lot?
That’s what I thought. As I was standing there with Mav waiting for the police to write up the report, I saw a car that looked just like Mavs drive by and loudly noted that the cars were the same (hoping that our lovely neighbors would hear me).
Yeah. That’s why o included that part of the story. It was an odd thing to say.
Wait, I couldn’t get past the fact that they were mad because you didn’t give them a cigarette and the store is a block away. What the country-a$$ backwardness foolery is that!!! Oh Jesus take the wheel! Glad your ok cuz!
It wasn’t about the cigarette. That was what is generally known as the “Interview Phase” of an impending attack. Between that time and when he returned they were basically psyching themselves up for an escalation for when he got back. It sounds like if the physical altercation went more “as planned” the mother would not have intervened until Mav was significantly hurt, but as it looked like he was going to turn it around she decided to stop it.
Interesting. It seemed weird to me that they kept telling him to walk away, and when he finally did, he was attacked. Seems like they had that part planned.
And maybe the asking for a cigarette was a way to get close to Mav, who would have his guard down, to allow a sneak attack.
That’s actually typical. That’s meron’s point. It’s really hard to attack someone while they’re watching you.
If I were honestly worried the smart thing to do would have been to NOT walk away the way I did. Never turn your back on an assailant. That give them an opening. He had at least–what– 40 or 50 feet to clear to get to me? If I were watching I could have stopped him before the first punch.
But when I walked away I honestly had decided that he probably would attack… Which gave him the opening to do so.
I highly recommend this book as far as being able to articulate this sort of thing: http://ymaa.com/files/9781594393310_sample.pdf
(What does it say about us that streetfights lead to literature recommendations? Mostly good things I hope)
Chris Maverick Did you hear footsteps behind you as you walked away?
hmmm. That I don’t remember. I mean probably but he was running so if I did it wasn’t fast enough to react. I mean… I may be tough but I’m still an old man.
This is an interesting read. I see the “Glad you are OK comments” and also glad, but at the same time, right after I started reading that you were in a fight, my main thought was that there was no chance of you not being Ok.
I’m fine. Really. But thank you.
Holy heck. I’m glad you’re ok. That’s just awful.
In reading your tale, I was kind of surprised the kid got off so lightly in terms of damage inflicted by you.
Well I mean he was half my age…bigger than me… And attacked me from behind. But no, I wasn’t really trying to hurt him. More just minimizing damage to myself.
Oh I completely understood what your goals were. I wasn’t imagining you leaving a bloody body laying on the sidewalk.
Reuven Goren I was… just kidding, just kidding
Good for you. Having controlled and appropriately proportioned aggression is for some reason a lost virtue in our culture. That’s a large and wholly separate discussion, but kudos to you.
Nothing wrong with the back and forth verbal conflict, you were obviously in charge of it enough that the teen had to escalate the situation and try to win another way. The only error judgement in thoroughly deflecting everything is that they were part of a group, and humiliation in front of the group is very likely to cause uncontrolled rage (Monday morning quarterbacking, amirite?).
It’s great that after the totally unwarranted assault and your defending yourself you were still level headed with your initiation/communication with law enforcement and very likely the great attention to detail with the information you gave them.
Great stuff. You are certainly worthy of the pose you currently use for your avatar.
Oh. I knew full well what I was getting into by allowing it to escalate. I was totally prepared for him to come at me much earlier than he did. If I made a mistake it was assuming that he had given up when he hadn’t. But no Monday morning quarterbacking really necessary.
Good for you, Mav!
So, I’m wondering whether a grudge against Mav (which may have due to been mistaken identity) for supposedly “charging” their son with his car is a plausible cause of all of this. If so, would people really be that passive-aggressive rather than just saying “Hey, be careful when you’re driving.” But if they really thought he “charged” their son on purpose, I guess it wouldn’t make sense for them to think that he’s the kind of person they could reason with.
Yeah I don’t know that there was really that much thought put into it. I don’t know that they really thought I was someone else or cared. He wanted to fight. I’m just not good at backing down from bullies.
Yeah, it seemed this kid had a history of fighting, from their comments.
Mav – glad you are alright and that is one heckuva story. Yikes.
My life can be crazy. Thanks.
I’m glad you are ok Chris.
Have you considered filing for a restraining order considering how close to you they live?
I’m concerned with a vendetta situation developing.
perhaps if I had a name to file one against. I mean, I’ve never seen the person before and the women claimed that he didn’t exist. So really, it’s hard to file a restraining order against “that dude from yesterday”
Damn cuz that’s crazy! Makes no sense at all! Not only is it the kids that don’t have sense but obviously neither do the parents…..Damn shame
I’m glad you’re ok but I’m even more glad that you stood your ground.
I feel like they are new. I don’t remember seeing anyone there before Thursday of this week.
Heather said they were yelling at me when I went to the store after dropping off your mail, but I am usually spaced out and didn’t notice (probably should start paying attention…)
Dude, I don’t know you, but my brother Jake Garrett does. Sounds like some ghetto BS to me. Never back down. If you start running, they’ll never let you stop. Sounds like it was a proper stand-up.
I’m so happy you are okay. Stay safe.
You’ve got something they don’t have, brains
Sorry about your jeans.
I saw the jeans. So much manlier than they were before!