It’s been a while, so let’s enjoy another one act play in Mav’s telemarketer series.
[INT. Pittsburgh home of Stephanie Siler and Christopher Maverick. Phone rings. Mav answers. A woman with a thick and broken hispanic accent is the caller. Her voice amuses the hero because at least for once its not a thick and broken Indian accent. Like all telephone scams of late, she reads from her script very slowly and there are often pauses between her response to Mav’s questions.]
Caller: Hello to you Pittsburgh resident, I am calling from the Baltimore, Maryland to … congratulate you on your recent…
Mav: Oh god
Caller: Excuse me?
Mav: Oh nothing, please continue…
Caller: I am calling from the Baltimore, Maryland to congratulate you on your winning of a special prize package that you have entered the application for at your local shopping mall or establishment during the…
Mav: Oh, I entered a contest?
Caller: Yes sir, you entered the application for the contest and…
Mav: So you know who I am?
Caller: Yes sir, I do, you entered the application for…
Mav: Please tell me who I am.
Caller: I am speaking to the Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and the home of one (she spells this name out… these are not typos. This is how she spells the name, rather than speaking it): C-H-R-E-S-T-P-H-E-R-H-O-L-L-Y
Caller: Excuse me?
Mav: No, please, keep going.
Caller: (again, typos are intentional in this play) and S-T-E-P-H-E-N-I-E-S-I-L-L-E-R. Yes and I have your address here and we would like to give you your prize and…
Mav: Oh, great… just mail it to us then.
Caller: Well, I need you to confirm.
Mav: Oh, I confirm. Mail me my stuff.
Caller: No sir, you don’t understand. We need you to come to our offices and bring.
Mav: Yeah, that’s not going to happen.
Caller: Well then I need to get from you the
Mav: No, really, I’m not providing you with anymore information.
Caller: But sir, you have to, we must complete this so that you can win your prize that you signed up for.
Mav: I signed up for this?
Caller: Yes, sir, I have your application right here that you filled out and you might not remember, this happens a lot, but I assure you that you signed up for.
Mav: When did I sign up?
Caller: Excuse me?
Mav: You have my application right in front of you. When is it dated?
Caller: Within the last 90 days, sir.
Mav: No, what is the exact date. What date did I put on the application?
Caller: It is within the 2013 holiday shopping season, sir.
Mav: uh huh… and where did I sign up for this?
Caller: We have more than 65 locations in your area and you have signed up for one during the 90 days of.
Mav: Chrestpher Holly signed up from my address in the last 90 days for your contest?
Caller: Yes sir.
Mav: Yeah, that didn’t happen.
Caller: well then it might have been your partner, sir. In any case I need you to give me
Caller: No sir?
Mav: My parnter didn’t sign up for that.
Caller: (flipping pages in background) Often sir, people forget that…
Mav: I assure you that no Chrestpher Holly and Stephanie Siller signed up for your contest in the last 90 days.
Caller: Sir, I have your application right here in front of me and
Mav: No, you have a name on your computer screen that your company bought from a telemarketing site.
Caller: No sir, we are not solicitors we must get your information so that you do not pass up the opportunity to win this prize only 180 were selected from your area and it would be a shame to pass on this…
Mav: What was your name again?
Caller: Nina, sir and I need your…
Mav: You’re not very good at this Nina. If you’re going to be a telephone scammer you need to get faster at finding the right answers to your questions on your script.
Caller: I assure you sir. This is not a scam. We have…
Caller: Yes sir?
Mav: Nina, you never even gave me the name of your company so that I know who I am winning this prize from.
Caller: (longer pause than normal) Oh, I am sorry sir, we are Global Vacation Network and we have….
Mav: (tapping quickly at computer keyboard) Nina, did you know that the top hit on Google for Global Vacation Network is a list of 113 complaints about how you are a scam and rip off?
Caller: I’m sorry sir. I’m sure you can speak to the direct supervisor about that when you receive your prize and….
Mav: You have a supervisor?
Caller: Of course, sir…
Mav: Nina, can I speak to your supervisor?
Caller: Yes, sir that’s what I’m trying to say. As soon as I get the appropriate information from you, my supervisor will call you back and…
Mav: No, I mean, I’d like to speak to your supervisor right now.
Caller: Oh, I’m sorry sir, he is very busy and…
Mav: No, I want to speak with him now…
Caller: But sir, if you could give me the information I request he will certainly call you back and…
Mav: If you are a real company, I assume you are recording this call?
Caller: I don’t know, sir… I’m sure it might be. Could I please have your…
Mav: I am feeling harassed! I received this phone call from Nina at Global Vacations Network, at 12:20pm on March 4th clearly trying to steal my identity and I am being denied the opportunity to speak with a supervisor. I would like this entered into the record so that when I call my attorney after this call to sue Global Vacations Net…
Mav: Hello? Nina? Hello?