Guess what… It’s telemarketer theater time ya’ll!!!
Caller: Hello is Chris there?
Caller: Hello, this is David with XXXXX insurance.
Mav: Hi, David! So nice to talk to you. How are you, what can I do for you?
Caller: Wow… umm… I’m fine, thank you for asking. Ummm… sir, I’m calling on behalf of XXXXX insurance and I believe we can offer you substantial savings on your auto insurance. How much are you paying for insurance right now?
Mav: Oh, I don’t believe in insurance.
Caller: You don’t… “believe” in insurance?
Mav: Nope. I figure it’s a useless scam.
Caller: I assure you this is not a scam call, sir.
Mav: Oh no, not you David. Of course not, I’m saying all insurance. I’m against it. Just on general principle.
Caller: But what if you get in an accident.
Mav: Well, I do all the time.
Caller: You’ve had an automobile accident? Then I’m sure you understand the importance of…
Mav: Well, I wouldn’t call them accidents.
Caller: Excuse me sir?
Mav: Well, what I do is I ram my car into other cars as hard as I can. It’s fun.
Caller: hahaha… well, sir… then you could clearly get hurt.
Mav: Nahhh… I just drive really fast?
Mav: If I drive faster than the other guy then he gets hurt and not me.
Mav: You should try it. It works great.
Caller: But what if the other guy is driving faster.
Mav: Oh… I assure you NOBODY drives faster than me.
Caller: I… I see… so then you definitely need insurance because after that your car would be destroyed.
Mav: Yeah… but that’s easy.
Caller: How so?
Mav: Well, after a wreck, I’m usually blocking traffic, so I just pull whoever is in the next car that comes up out and I take their car. No problem.
Caller: I see… like Grand Theft Auto.
Mav: Well, I don’t really like to use that term… I prefer to just think of myself as a businessman.
Caller: No, I mean the game…
Mav: This is not a game, David. It’s an opportunity.
Caller: No the video game…. you’re talking about the vid…
Mav: Let’s cut to the chase David. You do crime, right?
Mav: You’re working as a telemarketer scam call bank. You’re not adverse to crime.
Caller: Sir, this isn’t crime, I’m authorized to offer you a…
Mav: Come on David… lets cut the bullshit. This is just you and me.
Mav: Are you adverse to doing crime, David?
Caller: Uhhh…. no… I’m not.
Mav: Ok… what if I’m willing to cut you in on my enterprise?
Caller: Your enterprise?
Mav: I’m offering you a job. A much better job than the bullshit insurance scam one you have going now.
Caller: But sir… this is not a…
Mav: David… How much do you make right now?
Caller: uh… I make… uh… it depends.
Mav: on what… do they give you a salary? Do you work on commission?
Caller: Uh… it depends on how many people I sign up. Last month I made umm… $7000. The month before that I made $45,000. Yeah…. that’s it.
Mav: Uh huh… You made $45,000 working a phone bank for a telemarketing scam.
Caller: Uhhh… yeah, sure…
Mav: David… what if I could make that $45,000 IN ONE DAY!?!?!!
Mav: I’m offering you a position on my crew. Basic smash and grab, you and four other guys hit a luxury car dealership, get them back to me, I fence them and you get a $45K cut. Are you in or out?
Caller: Sir, this is a recorded line… Anyone could be listening and…
Mav: David… come on… we both know that XXXXX insurance is bullshit. You’re working a phone scam. I’m offering you a chance at the big leagues. Are you not interested? Should I find another guy.
Caller: No, no! I’m interested.
Mav: Then say it, David…
Caller: Say what?
Mav: I want you to admit that XXXXX insurance is bullshit.
Caller: It is… XXXXX Insurance is bullshit.
Mav: Ok… I need to be able to get in touch with you. What’s your last name, David.
Caller: Uh… Stryker.
Mav: Oh come on…
Caller: No, that’s real. That’s my name.
Mav: Your real name is David Striker? S-T-R-I-K-E-R. You want me to believe that?
Caller: Uhhh… It’s with a Y…. S-T-R-Y-K-E-R.
Mav: Surrre it is… Ok, David Stryker… Let me get your home number..
Mav: About the job, David. I need to be able to get in touch with you.
Caller: Ok… fine… 201-XXX-4925.
Mav: Don’t bullshit me, David…
Caller: I’m not! I swear!
Mav: Ok. I’m going to need your home address.
Mav: So my guys can pick you up for the job.
Caller: Shouldn’t we meet first? Give me your address!
Mav: Oh you don’t get to meet me. I’m the top of the food chain. I need anonymity and plausible deniability. You’re coming in at the bottom until I know I can trust you. You have to work your way up.
Caller: You can trust me. You have my name and phone number.
Mav: I need your address David. Do you want this job or not?
Caller: There’s no job. I’m just listening because this is the most amusing call I’ve had today. But now you’re wasting my time.
Mav: Oh… it’s a waste of time? I thought I could trust you, David. I thought you were my guy. I thought you were ready to ditch this petty phone scam shit and take it to the next level.
Caller: I don’t even know who you are!
Mav: You can call me Mr. Big.
Caller: Sigh… I gotta go. [CLICK][FIN]
I am SOOOOOO tempted to call this Jersey number just to see what he gave me the number to or if he was actually dumb enough to use a real one.