Guess what happened today? That’s right, it’s Telemarketer Theater time, ya’ll!
INT. PITTSBURGH HOME – DAY
Our hero, MAV, is watching Jeopardy with his wife Stephanie when the phone rings. Mav gives a devilish smile as he looks at the phone. Steph recognizes the smile and pauses the TV. Mav answers the phone.
Mav: Hello?Caller: Hello, may I speak to Christopher Maverick, please?
Mav: Who’s calling?Caller: Angie.Mav: Uhhh… Angie who?
Caller: This is Angie with with Dukwinz University?
Mav: Who? Where?
Caller: This is Angie. I’m calling on behalf of Dukewinz University.
Caller: Uhhh… I mean… Duquincey?
Mav: Oh!!!! Duquincey!!!!
Caller: Umm… yes.
Mav: How may I help you?
Caller: May I please speak with Christopher Maverick.
Mav: Yeah… sure. That’s me.
Caller: Can you verify your full name, age, address and zip code so that I can discuss sensitive information with you?
Caller: Excuse me?
Mav: No, I don’t want to give you any of that information.
Caller: But sir, I need you to verify that information so that I can discuss sensitive information with you.
Mav: But I don’t know who you are. Why should I do that?
Caller: I said. I’m Angie with… uh… Duquincy University and I’m…
Mav: I don’t believe you. Caller: What? Mav: I don’t believe you, Angie.
Mav: See, I don’t think you are working for Duquincy University, Angie.
Caller: But I…
Mav: Can you prove it?
Caller: Excuse me?
Mav: Angie, can I have your full name, age, address and zip code?
Caller: I don’t… ummm… it doesn’t work like that. Mav: I think it does.
Caller: But that’s not how we do this.
Mav: It’s how I do this. I don’t believe you are really employed by Duquincy and I believe this is a scam.
Caller: Well it’s not.
Mav: Well, what is this regarding then, Angie?
Caller: I’m sorry, I can’t give you more details until you have verified your identity by giving me your name, age, address and zip code.
Mav: You first.
Caller: But we don’t do that. You need to verify.
Mav: I don’t believe you, Angie. I don’t think you work there. I think you’re a scammer. In fact, I’m sure of it.
Caller: Why would you think that.
Mav: Because I know what the place you are trying to mention is. I’ve worked there several years. There’s no such place called “Duquincy”. You don’t work there. You can’t even pronounce it.
Caller: Well, I’m sorry. But I don’t think that matters.
Mav: It absolutely matters. You are fraudulently representing your self as an agent of my employer. You are in violation of federal wiretapping law section 32a clause 3b. I am recording this call and will be reporting it to the authorities.
Caller: I am not!
Mav: Yes you are! Totally in violation of 32a.3b.
Caller: No I’m not. Because E.C.S.I is not a scam organization.
Mav: Oh, so you don’t work for Duquincy?
Caller: Uhhh….. I uh… I never said I….
Mav: Yes you did.
Caller: I clearly identified myself as working on behalf of Duquincy … now if you can please give me your…
Mav: No… that place doesn’t exist you can’t work for them if you don’t know their name. Caller: Well, I don’t think it matters if can’t quite pronounce it. I do have important information that I can’t release unless you verify your identity.
Mav: But you first.
Caller: How would I do that?
Mav: What’s your full name?
Caller: Angie. Mav: Angie what?
Caller: Angie… uh…. Jones.
Mav: Angie… uh… Jones?
Caller: Uh… yeah, that’s it.
Mav: Sure that sounds real (Steph laughs out loud at this one). Anyway. What’s your address Angie.
Caller: I don’t see what this is supposed to prove.
Mav: I’m verifying your identity. I want to know you are who say you are.
Caller: Well, I clearly am. Look, I have important information for you, bu I need you to verify your identity first with…
Mav: I don’t trust you, Angie. I don’t believe you work for ECSI. You are going to have to verify your identity first. Caller: I don’t see why I have to do that. You can just verify who we are by doing a search online.
Mav: Oh I already have.
Caller: Then you understand that we are a legitimate organization working on behalf of … uh… yeah… Du…Quin…sey… University.
Mav: What does E.C.S.I stand for?Caller: What? Mav: What does ECSI stand for, Angie?
Caller: It doesn’t stand for anything. Mav: It stands for nothing?
Caller: Yes… we’re just ECSI. Mav: I don’t think so…. I think it’s an acronym. I think if you worked there you’d be able to tell me what it stood for. I think you’re kind of full of shit, Angie.
Caller: Look, this is a very important call. I’m not scamming you. I’m just doing my job. But I need you to verify your identity so I can give you this important message.
Mav: What’s your social security number?
Mav: I’d like your social security number. So I can verify your identity.
Caller: But I didn’t even ask you for your social security number. Mav: I know. But I’m asking for yours. Caller: Why would I do that?
Mav: Well, how else will I verify your identity. you called me out of the blue. I don’t know who you are. So I’d like to do a background check.
Caller: Well, I’m not doing that.
Mav: Well, I think we have a bit of a problem.
Caller: Look, if you want your information you’re just going to have to call this number back. [CLICK]
Seriously… why the fuck did she hang around that long?