So I was doing some random Wikipedia surfing earlier, and I ran across a page detailing all of the political sex scandals on a federal level in US history. Of course I read it… DON’T JUDGE ME! And I know some of you are reading it too! Anyway, I got to the end of the list and it includes one that has been bothered me since it first happened last year. Katie Hill, Democratic congressional rep from California who was forced to resign last year after an extramarital sex scandal where it was discovered that she was having an affair with a congressional staffer. Now a few things have always bothered me about this. Obviously there’s a double standard going on here. If you think that Hill is the first person in the grand history of the 12,348 members of the House who has ever fucked a subordinate, you’re crazy. Hell, I refuse to believe that there aren’t other people in the House NOW who have done it. Hill was ousted because she’s a woman and she’s bisexual. I have issues with that. But that’s not what I want to talk about.
What I do want to think about is that what predicated this (and what I think the real issue is) is that the scandal came to light because of leaked nude photos of Hill… it turns out that Katie Hill is a human woman… with nipples… and a vagina… shocking, I know! I honestly believe that if these photos had never turned up, she’d probably still be in office now. Because really… I get why some people might offended that she cheated on her spouse. I get that some people might be offended that she did so with a same-sex partner… and sure, there is a question of the inappropriateness of fucking a subordinate… But let’s get real. She’s out because people have seen her boobies.
And it’s happened with men too… not just with the House… and not with only one party. Anthony Weiner(D), Adam Kuhn(R), and Joe Barton(R) all had their political careers ended over dick pics. And even though he clearly got through it, there was always the alleged sex tape of his Royal Orangeness that was an issue during his campaign and the fears that it surfacing would be ammunition for a foreign power to blackmail him. Again… I’m not getting into all the other multitude of horrible shit that he has done and that should DQ him or whether anyone believes it or not. I’m just thinking about the possibility of scandal should exposing pictures of him surface.
So… I want to suggest a solution. I hereby am pleased to propose the National Undressed Defense of Extortion Statute. I think that heretofore, holding a federal office (legislative, executive or judicial… all elected offices and everything that requires congressional approval) should mean that you are required to submit a full frontal and rear nude photo to the National Archives that may be accessed by any American at will. It doesn’t have to be raunchy or anything. But genitals must be clearly exposed. Feel free to submit multiples with good lighting, and maybe a soft focus if you want… Hell, hire Annie Leibovitz and get some really nice stuff to add to your file. But before taking office, and no less than once every two years of holding said office, the archives must be updated with a current mug shot style, passport lighting, front and back shot just standing there so that constituents can access at will.
Do I want to see most of Congress nekkid? Nope! Do I want to see the president nekkid? Hell no! And honestly, there are tons of federal office holders that I even LIKE and don’t really want to look at the photos of. And no one should be forced to look. BUT, My thought here is that this takes any stigma out of the photos by requiring EVERYONE to do it. There’s no blackmail possibilities. There’s no embarrassment. Oh, look Daily Mail has photos of so-and-so’s cock… well, who cares… so does everyone else. Oh no, dumbass 8chan losers are threatening to release photos of candidate’s boobs… who cares… they’re already on the web. Oh look someone has supposed photos of the president fucking someone on the desk in the Oval office… are they real? Well, easy enough to tell, let’s check the file footage of his dick.
I realize that there might be some people no longer willing to run for office because they don’t want to photograph themselves naked. I realize CERTAIN politicians and their followers even get very upset about FAKE photos of themselves starring lookalikes like the brilliant work of Alison Jackson. You know what? I don’t care. Yes, American’s have the right to privacy… but just as I think that maybe you should give up some of that right to say… your finances… if you decide to run for president… I think this is a good litmus test too… Ok, fine… you think your tax/healthcare/environmental plan is imperative for the American people? Do you believe in it enough to show everyone how little your dick is? Well then, you must not care that much.
I’ve been thinking about it… and I’m not sure I can come up with a downside. Thoughts?