I haven’t seen the new Captain Marvel movie yet, so this is not my review… it’s more of a pre-review? I guess? Preview sounds weird. Anyway, I think one of my favorite things lately is reading the pre-release buzz about Captain Marvel. In particular, I’m loving the one very particular type of criticism. In the nerdiest, dudiest, broiest, inceliest corners of the internet I keep running into people whose main claim is “This movie will suck, Brie Larson is awful for the role of Captain Marvel because she isn’t hot enough!” Seriously… I love this complaint… more than anything else in the world right now, I love this complaint. I love this complaint SOOOOOO much… because I’m sure it’s totally born of COMPLETE AND TOTAL honesty… I’m sure that if Brie Larson knocked on any of these dudes’ doors tomorrow and said “Hi, I’ve always wanted to fuck a 40-year-old virgin in his mom’s basement” every single one of them would totally say “No! Hie thee to a nunnery, ye wanton harlot. I will not sully my mother’s basement by fornicating with any less than a D-cup! Away with you, hideous troll!” and slam the door in her face as she runs away crying in shame at the lack of their approval. Yep. That’s going to happen.
Because yeah… I mean look at her… she’s…uh… vile?!?! No, you don’t think so? Huh….
Yeah, so the funny thing is, I’m not actually as down on the idea of the male gaze as some people might think I am (especially in light of the episode we did about it on my VoxPopcast — cheap plug!) or as other feminist critics might be. Hell, Laura Mulvey, who came up with the concept, isn’t actually that down on the idea of the male gaze. She was never trying to “get rid of it.” Her original criticism was that movies ONLY allowed for it and nothing else. And this movie… given what it is… and what it wants to do… is not that.
And there’s the rub. I’m actually totally ok with a bunch of dudes wanting to not see this because they “don’t want more of Marvel’s feminazi, SJW, libtard BS shoved down their throats.” That’s actually a completely valid criticism. If you don’t like what a movie has to say, don’t see it. If someone made a superhero movie that was pro-Klan and all about the natural superiority of the white man, I probably wouldn’t be too keen on seeing it either… because I don’t care for that message. Ok, actually… *I* would probably see it anyway… because I’m weird and I like thinking about what cultural artifacts like that have to say. It’s my job after all. But, I’d totally support anyone else who wants to not see it because of that message. So if you’re against the idea of a movie that’s main theme is “women can be powerful” and that’s your main reason for not seeing it. Fine. I’m also fine with a bunch of dudes wanting to boycott it because they don’t like Larson’s public feminist politics. Fine! That’s just as valid as not wanting to support say Bill Cosby, Harvey Weinstein, R Kelly, or any of the other problematic artists that we also talked about on the most recent episode of my podcast (another cheap plug). And seriously, if you’re anti-feminist and that’s your reason for not wanting to see this film then I applaud your honesty. Seriously. I mean that.
My problem is the hypocrisy of saying that you won’t see it because she’s not hot. Are you fucking kidding me? And no, I’m not saying that you can’t be uninterested in a movie because you think the stars are ugly. Most big name Hollywood stars (male and female) are “pretty” for a reason. And if your main reason for going to a movie is to build up a visual library in your brain for you to go and jack off to later… that’s a perfectly valid view. Fine. Seriously… I’m not mad at you for wanting that. Masturbation is a perfectly healthy thing for you to do… you’re a growing boy. Your body is going through changes. I get it. But I mean… don’t insult our intelligence by pretending you don’t think she’s hot. She is. And you know it!
I think a lot of the “controversy” was born of a set photo that was leaked where we could see that Brie’s got… well… a white girl butt. I’ve seen a bunch of “newz” articles claiming that they heard Marvel is looking for a butt double for her because they can’t possibly have a movie with a woman who’s ass isn’t perfectly round. As proof people have even mocked up comparison photos which show Larson’s butt next to Scarlett Johansson’s butt in her Black Widow costume. Because, OBVIOUSLY, “ass” is the number one thing that DISNEY thinks about when it comes to casting. Seriously, I had no idea that white boys (yeah, they’re mostly white boys) were that in to ghetto booty! Surely, they’d be far happier if J-lo or Beyonce were cast as Carol Danvers than Larson, right? You don’t think so?
At first, I thought part of it was that they don’t understand how modeling and posing works. The photo of Scarlett’s ass is a promo photo. Posed for in order to say “hey, here’s my ass… hopefully your dick is now hard and you’ll go see my movie.” That is literally the point. Again, I have no actual problem with it. Brie’s on the other hand is a picture of her not posing… she’s receiving direction on what to do in the next scene. It’s a true candid. So maybe the incels just don’t get that. BUT, then I saw an even more miraculous thing. I saw people making the same comparison they made between Scarlett and Brie with Tom Holland and Brie! Yes, I’ve legit seen people complaining that Brie Larson isn’t hot enough to play Captain Marvel because her resting ass isn’t as nice as Tom Holland’s. And that’s fair… Holland does have a nice ass!
SO!!! I have a solution! I’ve decided to maybe take them at their word. Does anyone want to support the idea that it’s not an anti-feminist agenda thing… the real problem with Brie as Carol Danvers really is that she has a white girl butt. And that’s just too distracting to watch a superhero movie because it’s hard to jack off to. SO, I’m willing to fix it for you! What I’m prepared to do is make a NEW version of this movie. I’ll do it on kickstarter, just like those idiots who want to refilm the Last Jedi taking out all the women. What I’m looking to do is raise $150M for my fan cut of Ms. Marvel! That’s right. I’m going old school. I’m putting her back in the black bathing suit and sash costume. High cut hips… thong back… thigh high fuck me boots! And instead of Brie Larson, I’m going to cast a very masturbatable crossdressing Tom Holland! He’ll do it too! If you don’t think so, you’ve never seen him cosplay as Rhianna. It’ll be SOOOO fucking hot!
So who’s in?