People often ask me how come I don’t post telemarketer theater plays that much anymore. It’s not that I don’t want to. I haven’t gotten bored with doing them or anything like that. The problem is that I just haven’t gotten any in a long time. At least not from a live person that I could troll. It used to be that my landline (that’s right, I have a landline) got pretty much exclusively those calls, but that hasn’t been happening as much. And the calls I usually get to my cell phone are generally automated robocall phishing scams that come from suspicious phone numbers (spoofed to look like mine but one or two digits off) offering me reduced credit card rates. It’s not that I wouldn’t love to fuck with those people. It’s just that there’s never a person there… and there’s no real way to converse with the recording. So I still answer the calls, but I figured Telemarketer Theater was dead…
If you’ve been missing it… well, you’re in luck!
INT. PITTSBURGH HOME – NIGHT[Mav is working on a call for comments for his podcast blog (and if you’re not listening to Mav’s podcast, VoxPopcast, you should be… might as well get that cheap plug in here) when the phone rings. He knows it’s a spam call, but answers it anyway, expecting to get a recording.]
MAV: Hello?[The voice on the other end is a thick Indian accent trying to sound American… but not doing a very good job. He’s also very clearly reading from the script. He sounds almost nervous. It is probably his first day on the job]
CALLER: Hello, may I speak to Cherise Mayvarick?[Mav is suddenly excited. Oh shit! It’s on! He drops everything he was doing.]
MAV (inquisitively and gently): Excuse me?
CALLER: I am calling for Cherise? Is Cherise there?
MAV: I’m sorry. Did you say Cherise?
CALLER: Yes, I am looking for Cherise. Is he there?
MAV (surprised that he thinks Cherise is a boy’s name) : I don’t think I know a Cherise…
CALLER: C-H-R-I-S… Cherise! Cherise Mayvarick. Is he there?
MAV: Oh!!! How may I help you.
CALLER: This is Jim, I am calling on behalf of ACME Magical Pain Relief Cream. We are authorized to offer you a free sample prescription. Are you experiencing pain?
MAV: Oh, really? I have lots of pain!
CALLER: Oh that’s wonderful!
MAV: Not really… it kinda hurts.
CALLER: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the pain bad?
MAV: Oh tremendously.
CALLER: Where is the pain, may I ask? Is it mostly located in your back or in your legs?
MAV: Oh, I’d say my heart.
CALLER (confused): Excuse me?
MAV: Well, it’s emotional pain.
CALLER: Emotional pain, sir?
MAV: Yes, the worse.
CALLER (clearly trying to find a place to return to in the script): Our magical pain cream is made of essential oils and minerals and guaranteed to relieve tension from the applied area. You say you have pain in your back, correct sir?
MAV: Well, no not really. Like I said, it’s more of an emotional pain.
CALLER: but sir, you would like some of our free samples correct.
MAV: Well, what I’d really like is just to have someone to hold me.
CALLER: I don’t understand.
MAV: Well, I’m very lonely, you see.
CALLER: Can I get your address to send you some of our magical cream?
MAV: I don’t really need the cream, Jim. Can you just come over?
CALLER: I don’t think I can do that, sir.
MAV: I’d really like to see you.
MAV: I’d like to hang out. See where this goes.
CALLER: Sir, we offer a topical cream that can be applied to aching muscles and joints. It can relieve tension through the power of essential oils and minerals…
MAV: But what about the heart, Jim?
CALLER: I’m not sure what I can do about that sir.
MAV: Just come to me. Sometimes all a heart needs is another heart to reach out to. Sometimes it’s just about intimacy. Emotionally connecting with another person. Do you understand what I’m saying, Jim?
CALLER: Errr… I don’t think I can… I mean…
MAV: Don’t make this weird, Jim. Don’t you see, this is fate. You called me just when I really needed someone. Can’t we just explore this? I really think there could be something here.
CALLER: I’m sorry sir, I will remove you from our call list. (CLICK)
You know… if I die of a broken heart tonight, you can all blame Jim.