Make no mistake, we live in the future. A lot of times I like living in the future. I have a giant flat TV with 3D projection software hanging on my wall that can pull up a million different movies at my instant command and I can control it with my watch.
I own several computers that are millions of times smarter and faster than the one that NASA used to put a man on the moon. I keep one of them in my pocket and primarily use it make phone calls and pretend to catch imaginary monsters and make them fight. It’s also good at playing porn.
I’ve spent most of today writing a dissertation and doing research that has involved books from a dozen libraries and comics that have been published over the last 79 years, and not only have I not left my house, I haven’t even put on a shirt today. The future fucking rocks.
Finally, the future also means there is social media. Social media is great. Social media means that I can rant and rave about about the national anthem protest and call people who don’t support it confederate sympathizers and people all over the world seem to care for some reason. Or, I can just talk about y weird thoughts on the movies I like and the same thing happens. Social media means that I can bitch about social media by typing into the same magical box that I’ve been doing research and dissertation writing on (and again, it’s also good at playing porn).
But social media also means that the world has found a new way to annoy me with spam. Basically, people who just want to increase their own social media outreach and don’t give a fuck who that outreach is about.
I just got email from academia.edu (an academic social network that I’m on) that says the following:
Dominik Wujastyk invited you to comment on his draft paper “The Bakhshālī Manuscript: A Response to the Bodleian Library’s Radiocarbon Dating.” Since the Session started 6 days ago, there have been 43 comments and 356 participants. Use the link below to join the Session.
I don’t know Dr. Wujastyk. I’ve never met him. I’ve never heard of him. I’m sure his research into ancient Sanskrit literature is probably really fascinating. And he probably has some fascinating insights into the radiocarbon dating of the birch-batch fragments of the Bakhshālī Manuscript. I mean… probably? I honestly don’t really know what most of that means. I just read the first sentence of his abstract. I kind of want to comment on paper “good stuff… I just wonder, could you expand on how this relates to manner in which gender, sex and race are depicted in Batman funny books?” Because really… if it doesn’t have anything to do with that, I’m kind of out of my element.
I’ve had this other thing happening a lot lately. At least twice a week I get form mail that pretends to personalized that says stuff like this:
I’m Bob. I run ACME Buzzword Content Providing Ltd., the internet’s premier source for super-awesome–infographic-driven-search-optimized-other-technical-sounding-stuff-that-I-heard-someone-say-in-a-youtube-video-and-don’t-necessarily-know-the-meaning-of-content design. I’ve been following your blog ever since I first encountered it on LinkedIn and I’d love to write content for your site for FREE! I have been doing this for a long time and I am very impressed with your recent article, “on Purity Balls… the creepiest thing ever…” I would like to offer you this infographic I produced called, “Unstoppable Growth of Fantasy Sports is a Reality – 101 Facts to Prove It.” It includes a timeline, demographics, trends and a wide variety of interesting facts all about the recent growth of fantasy sports. The content would benefit us both as it would bring you extra visitors while giving me the exposure I need. Do you think you might be interested in taking a look at the infographic to see if you find the information useful or relevant to your site?
And then inevitably, after I ignore it, Bob will follow up three or four times in the next week asking if I’ve had a chance to look over the content yet because he’s still following my blog and he really thinks that his content is a good match. Eventually, Bob will go away, but it doesn’t matter because I’m getting the same basic offers from Sue, or Joe or Terry or whatever. Their spam algorithms are really crappy, because not only do they often pick posts that I wrote like three years ago, the generic content they offer me never has anything at all to do with the article they link to.
Unless of course, I’m wrong…It just now occurred to me that maybe this guy thinks that purity balls are a sport of some kind and has a graphic to explain how win in your fantasy purity ball league. I mean, I refuse to click on his link, so I have no idea… but now I’m suddenly really scared.
Anyway, dear random spammers on the internet… this blog is called ChrisMaverick.com. It’s pretty much about random stuff that I am personally currently thinking about. It is almost impossible that you could ever have anything to say that would be better at representing random stuff that I am personally currently thinking about than I can. I know you won’t read this… but I wanted to say it anyway because it is my dream that some day, three or four years from now, your random article selector article picks this post based on the sheer amount of keywordy goodness I packed into the title and buzzwords I have used throughout this article (Hell, I even tied in a parody picture of the Matrix for the thumbnail) and maybe the fact that people who read the shit I write are as big sick bastards as I am and will hopefully comment and like and reshare and whatever is needed to really up the social media Q of this on facebook and twitter and tumblr and the the like. This way, when you find it, and don’t read it to realize that in reality this is a giant fuck you to you personally. You’ll link to it the next time you send me spam. And I’ll have a nice little chuckle. It’s like a time displaced Christmas present from past Mav to future Mav just to brighten my day.
But seriously… what the fuck is the deal with purity balls?