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Michael Bay’s Dora the Explorer

Sooooo…. apparently Michael Bay is making a Dora the Explorer live action movie. Because, I mean… of course he is. Like I’ve seen the Dora the Explorer cartoon before. And totally, the one thing I think when I see it is “Wow, you know who would be great at making a live action version of this? Michael Bay!”

And I can totally write the screenplay for him. I think I have both a good working knowledge of the director’s style and I’ve seen at least 10 minutes of a Dora cartoon before (which is about nine minutes more research than has gone into the accumulated five films that make up Bay’s Transformers franchise). In fact, let me do the teaser right now…


FADE IN

EXT. DESERT LANDSCAPE – DAY

A motorcycle careens across the landscape be ridden by DORA, a nineteen year old girl with huge tits… the hugest tits… so much tits… and a great ass. I mean her ass just won’t quit. You know the kind of ass that you get from a hot teenaged girl that can only be matched by her amazing tits. Yeah, that kind of ass. And she’s wearing a super tight t-shirt and tiny little cut off shorts. We begin with a three establishing shot as we slowly pan up her legs to that perfect perfect ass as it rides the bike through the desert. Make sure to linger on the ass for at least a full minute…. then pull out so that we can see the super hotness of Dora. A bluish purple CGI monkey, BOOTS, sits on her handle bars.

Finally, Dora skids the bike to a stop. She gets off and slowly walks over to a cactus where behind it hides a masked CGI fox, SWIPER, who snickers as he is counting a fat roll of money. Dora reaches behind her back and draws a sawn-off shot gun from her backpack. She places it against the fox’s head. The fox’s expression changes to one of fear as he slowly turns around to face his adversary.

          DORA
I said, no… fucking… swiping!

          SWIPER
Ohhh… man…

Dora pulls the trigger and sends the fox to his doom in a fury of fire and CGI fox brains.

          BOOTS
Holy shit, Dora!

          DORA
I hate swipers…

She climbs back on her motorcycle and rides away. Boots throws a grenade behind them as they go destroying the remains of the body. They ride off in slow-motion, a mushroom cloud explosion from the grenade rising behind them as the Dora’s hair billows in the the shockwave. So hot!!!

FADE OUT


Seriously, I’m pretty sure it’s going to go more or less exactly like that.

At this point I was going to make a joke about how this is clearly not going to be as good as the CollegeHumor parody starring a 14 year old Ariel Winter… And then I realized that at 19 she’d totally be great in the role today at least with the script I wrote. And then there can totally be a controversy where people accuse Bay of whitewashing the Dora role by casting Winter, but he defends it by saying “you don’t understand… her boobs are very very big!”

Hollywood, please back up the truck of money now. Thank you.

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