I love the Internet. I can no longer imagine living in a world where I don’t get to see the entire spectrum of sociopolitical thought on any given issue just by pulling up Facebook. I always find it fascinating when i see people say stuff like “if you [do/don’t] support issue X, just unfriend me now!” I personally feel the exact opposite way. If you support some issue that I’m against, I totally want to see what you have to say. In fact, I especially want to see what you have to say if you’re wholly and vitriolically oppose something that I believe. That’s how I learn stuff. I’ve been accused before of treating my blog or my Facebook page as an echo chamber. Not true. I know how I think already. What I find very useful and eye opening is seeing people explain their viewpoints that I don’t already understand. And then, it’s always interesting to compare the people who do agree with me with the people who don’t — especially the most vocal people on each side. The Internet is great. Unlike real life where people try to conform to social convention, the Internet gives us a mask. It lets people speak out belligerently and without filter. It gives some of the most shy among us a means to speak their mind with all the filtering of Donald Trump. That gives me a perfect view of society… a view as defined by trolls… but a perfect view nonetheless. It’s an imperfect world full of imperfect people. The Internet has taught me that we need imperfect solutions to our problems!
And that has helped me really figure out this whole North Carolina bathroom law thing. It probably isn’t hard to figure out which side of the fence I am naturally inclined to fall on. Basically, I don’t give a fuck what bathroom anyone uses. It’s not even about gender for me; make them all co-ed for all I care. Hell, honestly I’d rather they separate bathrooms into different categories: “Clean” and “You’re a Fucking Pig.” It honestly wouldn’t be all that much different than what you have today. (Seriously… men, if you go to a bathroom… just flush the fucking toilet. Is that too much to ask?) But, where we are as a society as a whole right now, bathrooms appear to be one of the few instances where a lot of us are just totally cool with sexual discrimination. So if I’m going to be in the minority here, then fine. I accept that. And I think the best way of doing that may be to embrace it and tell the NC Legislature how much I agree with them. You can catch more flies with honey and all that… So I was thinking I’d write them this letter, and you should all do the same.
Hi, North Carolina Legislature,
It’s me, Mav! I’ve been thinking a lot about your new bathroom laws and I wanted to write you in support of them. But first, in order to do that, I want to set up a background framework so we can all be on the same page. I’m not interested in linking up with the uber-liberal, feminist, SJW-types like myself. No, I want to reach some common ground with the good people of the North Carolina legislature who set the law up. Let’s not talk about our differences. Let’s think about our similarities. I’m a relatively “normal,” red-blooded American male. Pretty much cisgender. Pretty much heterosexual. Sure, I do enjoy watching Stephen Amell take his shirt off on Arrow any given week. That’s not gay, that’s just human. You know what I’m saying here. Anyway, at the risk of outing myself as pervert and ruining my whole uber-liberal, feminist, SJW-image to all my uber-liberal, feminist, SJW-friends, I must say that as a red-blooded American male, I like looking at naked women! I like it a lot! I love it! Naked women rock! And even better than looking at naked women is touching naked women! So awesome! And even better than that is when a naked woman is goodly enough to let you do stuff to her with your penis. All of us penis-having folk know that the best thing ever is taking that penis to a naked woman and having her insert said penis into whatever orifice she is comfortable with. I mean, the queers may disagree, but we’re not talking to them right now. It’s just us. And don’t worry politicians, we’re not counting the stuff that happens during drunken hunting trips with male interns… I get it. Like I said, I watch Arrow! The Down Low. We’re cool. See, North Carolina legislature… We’re not so different, you and I. I get where you’re coming from. We’re all on the same page. Common ground!
Now here’s where it gets tricky. I’m not down with bathroom stuff. I don’t get it. If I’m using the bathroom, I don’t want naked women anywhere near my penis. And as far as women go, I prefer to think that they just don’t use the bathroom at all. Am I to understand that I am in the minority here? Maybe I am. I lived through the 80s. I saw Porky’s. I just don’t get it. Just ask my wife. She’ll tell you that I really like seeing her naked. A lot! Hell, seeing her naked is one of my favorite things in the world. If I had my way, she’d let me see her naked even more often than she does. But, I have spent the last several years going out of my way to maintain the belief that her bodily functions are a completely sealed system. I see her go into the room that happens to have a toilet a few times a day, but I’m pretty sure she doesn’t use it. She’s just taking lots of showers. Maybe she’s fixing her hair or something. You know, lady business! And no one tell me any differently, goddammit! My relationship relies on this delusion.
But for me, when I’m using a toilet, the idea of anything sexual going on at that moment is the farthest thing from my mind. I just can’t imagine it. I guess I’m just too vanilla. In fact, it doesn’t matter what gender you are. When I’m using the bathroom, if you can see my genitals at all, something has gone horribly wrong. And I don’t want to see yours, no matter who you are. I have a massive crush on Rihanna. If she were to give me the opportunity to do penis stuff to her naked body, it would be the greatest day of my life. Do you understand what I am saying, North Carolina Legislature? I’m saying, I really want to fuck Rihanna. Like a lot! But if I’m going to the bathroom someday and Rihanna is there and wanting to watch me do it, she and I are going to have some serious issues.
That brings us back to the new law, North Carolina legislature. I guess where you and I are different is that your penis says “women on the toilet! Awww hell yeah! Where do I sign up?” Your kink is not my kink, but who am I to judge? You do you, North Carolina! Anyway, I’m willing to accept that I’m the outlier here. For the sake of this discussion I’m willing to accept that most people born with a penis just love watching women take shits. There you go, you’re “normal” and I’m not. I certainly haven’t done a scientific survey of all transpeople everywhere, so I’m going to assume that the ones who I know, who really for the most part seem to want people to not think about their genitals at all and just take shits in peace are also outliers. Lets say that most transwomen have gone through a lifetime of ridicule and self-doubt, taken a bunch of hormone therapy and subjected themselves to surgery, but are still more “normal” than I am. They’re really going through all of that just so that they can watch “real” women on the toilets. Let’s say the same thing of transmen. And of course, since they’re queer, they totally can’t control themselves when it comes to the undeniable stimulation of watching someone on the toilet. Clearly, they’re going to be thrown into a rape frenzy by all the super sexy shitting. They’re all big perverts… they’re more normal than sexually repressed, wanting to use the bathroom alone people like me. Yep, that makes total sense. Completely logical. I’m with you here.
But here’s where it starts to break down and I get confused. Why do you want these people to use their by birth bathrooms? Isn’t the thing we’re usually worried about with all of those transgender pedophiles running around, having them abusing kids of the same sex? I’m going to assume that most people in support of anti-trans laws assume that most transpeople are gay (really not the same thing… but we’ll ignore this). If you’re so convinced that they’re sexual predators — or more likely to be sexual predators — wouldn’t you want them in the bathroom of their OPPOSITE genetic sex, just to be safe? Clearly I’m missing something here. Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe what I don’t realize is that since most transpeople AREN’T pedophiles at all, it isn’t about stopping rapes. It’s just about making sure that everyone is comfortable in the bathroom. Since I’m a weirdo ad always avert my eyes from anyone else who happens to be in the bathroom with me, I don’t realize how confusing it would be if people with genitals that don’t match the sign were peeing next to me. It’s my fault. I’m the one who needs to be reeducated!
I saw Ted Cruz mention his support for the law the other day and he pointed out that he has two daughters and that’s what he’s really worried about. I’m not a father, so I accept that maybe I just don’t have the right perspective here, so i’m just going to Trust Ted! After all, that’s what his logo says, so it must be true. Cruz said that even his five year old knows the difference between boys and girls and that they don’t belong in the wrong bathroom. So I’ve been thinking about it. And I get it. Logic doesn’t matter here. It’s about protecting the children at all costs, no matter how nonsensical. Yep! And because of that, I have a solution. Don’t I always?
I’ve been seeing this meme go around lately. It’s a picture of two trans porn stars, Buck Angel and Sarina Valentina (though it doesn’t mention that they’re porn stars… don’t look at me that way, I just know stuff!). @SarinaValentina even tweeted it herself a couple days ago and @BuckAngel retweeted it:
— Sarina Valentina (@SarinaValentina) April 20, 2016
Now, sure… I’m inclined to agree with the meme. But I’m a horrible repressed person who doesn’t want to see other people using the toilet. And I’m not adventurous enough to want other people to watch me either. But, while I don’t have children, I accept that they are the future. We must teach them well and let them lead the way. It’s important to show them all the beauty they possess inside so that they can develop a sense of pride. The North Carolina legislature has spoken. It is time for the healing to begin! People should be forced to use the bathroom designated on their birth certificate and we NEED the children to understand that. I know Sarina and Buck are on the opposite side of that now, but I am asking them to think of the children and change their mind. See, the meme has it backwards. Ted Cruz and his daughters aren’t stupid. They know what boys and girls are. Buck Angel is clearly a girl and Sarina Valentina is clearly a boy. The only reason us uber-liberal, feminist, SJW-types keep getting screwed up is that we’re too sexually repressed to pay attention to the genitals of other people in the bathroom.
Here’s what I propose. We need to set aside some tax payer money to reeducate people. I’d like to start with a $2million dollar pilot plan. $1million each for Buck and Sarina. In exchange for that payment, I’d like Buck and Sarina to each move to the great state of North Carolina where they will be employed as bathroom ambassadors. It’s quite simple. They get a one year gig where all they have to do is spend the next year walking into public bathrooms and taking shits. Don’t talk to anyone. Don’t harass anyone. Leave the stall door open or closed… their call. Once we’re sure it’s working we open the plan up to other transgender people. I mean, this isn’t for everyone. Some of them are going to be super-repressed like me. They’re going to not want to let people watch them on the toilet. But for a million dollars I bet we can find several willing to help the cause. It may be too late for me, but like I said, this isn’t about me. It’s about the children of North Carolina. Like Ted Cruz said, his five year old knows the difference between boys and girls. But I bet there are some kids who don’t. Some kids with horrible parents who have been going out of their way to confuse them and disrupt their ideas of gender. Parents that let boys where pink and let girls play with trucks. We need to save those children. And clearly, seeing Buck in the women’s room or Sarina in the men’s room is certainly going to go a long way towards answering any questions that those children might have.