So I was sitting down and working on my thoughts on the current craziness going on in politics today for a possible blog post when the phone rang. CallerID said it was a number from “Wisconsin.” Since I had some important things I wanted to get to I was going to try to get rid of the call… but two seconds in this guy just seemed way too good. And so, even though it’s been a while, I present to you, the latest edition of Telemarketer Theater!
INT. PITTSBURGH HOME – DAY
Our hero, MAV is super multitasking. He has a book in one hand that he has been reading for a conference paper he is working on. In the other hand he has an iPad where he is researching the current political landscape while CNN is on the TV and pundits discuss the primary elections. The phone RINGS. CallerID reads Wisconsin, and Mav immediately knows that it is going to be another phone scam. He picks up the phone and is greeted by an Indian accent. The CALLER is somewhat timid and clearly a little unfamiliar with the script. He is probably pretty new to this.
CALLER: Hi there, I am with the Win…
MAV: Can I stop you right there?
MAV: I know, you’re with the Windows Computer and you’re calling because you’re seeing unauthorized traffic coming from my computer and you want to help me, but you’re really a scam and you want me to turn on my computer and give you my password. Usually when I get a call like this I play along a little bit and fuck with you so that I can make you look stupid and generate content for my website but I’m kinda in the middle of something right now. So can we just skip this one and you can just admit that this is a telephone scam and tell me to fuck off and we can both move on with our lives?
CALLER: No sir, it is not that at all?
MAV: It’s not?
CALLER: No sir.
MAV: Then what is it?
CALLER: Sir, I am with the Windows Technical Department and we have detected a virus on your computer and…
MAV: Can I ask you a question?
CALLER: Yes sir?
MAV: Who should I support for president?
CALLER: I don’t understand?
MAV: You know how there’s presidential elections going on right now?
CALLER: Yes sir. It is all over the news.
MAV: Well, I’m really confused. I don’t know who to vote for and you sound really smart, so I figured I’d ask you. Who do you support? Which president is best for the telephone scamming industry?
CALLER: I certainly don’t know sir.
MAV: Oh I’m sorry. I forgot you’re not really in this country are you?
CALLER: Oh, of course I am.
MAV: You’re not calling me from India?
CALLER: No sir I am calling from (sound of pages flipping in background)… I am calling you from the Windows Technical Department in California. I am calling because we have detected a…
MAV: Oh, so you are in this country?
CALLER: Of course, sir.
MAV: Well then you must be following the election. Who are you supporting?
CALLER: Well who do you support?
MAV: Well, I mean I’m not sure. I really don’t know. I mean there’s Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump and Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio and John Kasich and I’m very confused. I just don’t know what to do. I kind of want to support whichever one makes my Windows computer the safest.
CALLER: Well, which one are you going to vote for. I’m sure we support the same one, sir.
MAV: That’s just the thing. I really can’t figure it out. Who do I go for. You sound very intelligent. I figured I’d ask you.
CALLER: Well, I really don’t understand your political system, sir.
MAV: Well, but you’re very intelligent, right?
CALLER: No sir.
MAV: You’re not smart?
CALLER: No sir.
MAV: You must be smart. The Windows Technical Department doesn’t hire dumb people. How are you going to help me with my virus problem if you’re not smart?
CALLER: Because this is my job sir. I am authorized to help you. We have detected a virus on your…
MAV: We’ll get to it. But how do I know I can trust you if you can’t even tell me who I should support in the election.
CALLER: Is Hilary Clinton running?
MAV: Ummm… yes, I think she is.
CALLER: Ok, you should definitely vote for Hillary Clinton.
MAV: I should?
CALLER: Absolutely, sir. You should vote for Hillary Clinton. Now, I am from the Windows Technical Department and we have…
MAV: But what about the email scandal?
MAV: You know she’s in the news for an email scandal right?
CALLER: No sir? I have not heard that.
MAV: Oh yeah, she’s all over the news. See, she runs the email server. And that means that she has the ability to hack my email and put viruses in it. So I don’t want that, because viruses are bad, right?
CALLER: (sound of more pages flipping) Absolutely, sir. That is why we at the Windows Technical Department are calling you because we have de…
MAV: I’m not sure I can trust you.
MAV: I think you’re a spy for Hillary Clinton. I think you are calling from The Hillary Clinton Email Server and you’re trying to put a virus on my computer.
CALLER: Oh no no no, sir. I am from the Windows Technical Department. In California! When we are done you will see that your computer is much safer and….
MAV: No! You’re a Hilary Clinton spy! I know it! You’re trying to get email server viruses on my computer! That’s why you told me to vote for her!!!
CALLER: Sir, I assure you that I am with the Windows Technical Department. If you would go to your Windows computer right now and turn it on I can direct you to…
MAV: Prove you aren’t a Hillary Clinton spy!
MAV: Prove you aren’t a spy! I think you’re a spy! That’s why you want me to vote for her. So she can give me more viruses.
CALLER: No sir, I’m not a spy.
MAV: You must be a spy. If you’re not a spy, who else should I vote for?
CALLER: Hillary Clinton, sir!
MAV: But she puts viruses on my computer.
CALLER: Oh, well then maybe you should… ummm… who are the other options?
MAV: Bernie Sanders, Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio and John Kasich.
CALLER: Hold on sir let me check something….
(muffled voices conversing on other end)
CALLER: Sir, do you have a computer?
MAV: Oh yes. I have three.
(more muffled voices)
CALLER: Sir, can you go to the Windows Computer and…
MAV: Sure, but first I need to know who I should vote for so that I know you aren’t a spy…
(more muffled voices)
CALLER: I’m sorry, sir. Have a nice day, sir. (CLICK!)
So… if you were wondering who the telemarketer scam lobby was endorsing… I guess… now you know…