I’m sure everyone only pay attention to me on the internet because you want me to point out all the really important hard hitting news stories, right? So when I saw this one I felt like it was my duty to point it out. Apparently, Malia Obama has worn a T-shirt with the logo of rap group Pro Era. Pro Era was excited about that so they posted the picture to their Instagram page. Because, you know, the daughter of the president supports your band, and you’re like FUCK YEAH!
Crazy, huh? I mean it must be, because there are actual news outlets who have decided this was important enough to report on it.
Ok, so I get that Gawker pointed it out. Reporting on non-news about pseudo-celebrities is pretty much Gawker’s jam. So sure… I mean, they’re Gawker. But FoxNews? Seriously? I mean, I get that you hate her dad. Fine, but what exactly is the story? Teen girl likes to wear t-shirts? Teen girl likes rap music? Teen girl likes to take selfies? No, they went with “White house investigating how Malia Obama pic got leaked.” Their logic is that Michelle Obama runs a tight ship and monitors her daughters’ internet access and social media.
So, to everyone reading this who has teenaged children, let me clue you in on something. If you’re in your 50s and you have a 16-year-old daughter and she’s not smart enough to post pictures online behind your back, then you’re raising a fucking moron. Actually worse. Because fucking morons know how to do shit behind their parents backs.
Look, here’s the deal… I don’t care if you like Barack Obama or hate him. If you haven’t picked up on it by now, I’m pretty damn liberal. That said, he isn’t my favorite person either. But let’s keep something in mind, he’s the president of the United States. He has a Harvard law degree. He’s probably not an idiot. For the record, I never thought George W. Bush was an idiot either. He’s also married to another lawyer. Chances are their daughter is pretty smart.
But I don’t even know that she’s taking pictures behind her parents back. Gawker also reports that the picture was sent to Pro Era by one of Malia’s friends. Because, you know, that’s kinda what people do with the Internet.
Which leads me to the second issue. The scandalous nature of the picture itself. I’ve been looking around the blogosphere and people are reporting that a selfie was “leaked” or that maybe her phone was hacked. It’s not a nude. It’s not her sexting. She’s not doing drugs. it’s a girl in a T-shirt, standing there. But you know who had a problem with it? The Tea Party News Network. And what is their problem? It’s that this is evidence that the Obama’s hate cops. Yep. That happened. Because clearly rap music means you hate police.
The best part is that TPNN even excerpted a couple random Pro Era songs as “evidence.” In particular they wrote about Come Come, which they called “a song about slaughtering pigs, i.e. cops.” They were even nice enough to bold the lyrics that prove how evil the Obamas are:
Where syringes were pressed: dirty kitchen
I’m spillin’ all my kids on her dress, Started living what I’m thinking
Decider, we next stop
Stop and then frisk
Slaughtering pigs anybody can get it
Shooting stars, now make a wish
Rocking skins like the skins we rocking
Powerpuff smoking on that blossom
We’re running the game and this shit is exhausting
But I don’t give a fuck cause this shit is awesome
Of course that’s not what they’re talking about at all. Unless of course you know something I don’t about random rap stars stopping and frisking cops… you know… in the line before… which they also helpfully bolded. The song is actually about the power of Pro Era’s lyrics. Which, you know, maybe is a little egotistical, but whatever. So really, the problem is that the Tea Party doesn’t get metaphor. And therefore I now assume that the real purpose of the entire movement is that they want us dump all of our tea into Boston Harbor. That or sit down for crumpets and Earl Grey.
Too bad I prefer Darjeeling.