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Telemarketer Theater: Born Again Edition (and Again)

a9d9745fc857ad8df04de68ef356ad1dI was working on my computer when I heard line ring in the other room. I yelled for Steph to pick it up, since usually the landline is her mother calling. But Steph looked at the CallerID and said “yeah, I’m not getting that.” I ran in to double check. The Call is from 1-800-000-0000 and the caller is simply listed as “International.” Awwww hell yeah…. it’s that time again!!!

INT. PITTSBURGH HOME – DAY

MAV answers the cordless phone and begins walking down the stairs towards his bookshelf where he knows he keeps his bible. CALLER has a very faint voice with an extremely indian accent. The connection is not very good. But Mav has been waiting to try this one, so he fights his way through the static. Caller appears to be pretty new at this, and doesn’t know how to adjust the script. Steph watches and giggles as Mav has the conversation.

Mav: Hello?

Caller: Yes, hello there. I am calling from the Microsoft Technical Support in regards to…

Mav: What was that?

Caller: I am calling from the Microsoft Technical Support in reg…

Mav: I’m sorry, the connection is not very good. You’ll have to speak louder.

Caller (yelling): Yes, I am calling from the Microsoft Technical Support in regards to some error messages that we are receiving from your computer. It appears you have been affected by malicious software and as you are a valued customer we are here to offer you the free technical support to correct these problems.

Mav: Oh my, that does sound serious. What do I have to do?

Caller: Yes sir, but do not be the worried. We are here to help you with the malicious software. Are you in front of your computer now, sir?

Mav: Yes, I am. Who am I speaking to?

Caller: I am calling from the Microsoft Technical Support in regards to…

Mav: No, No, I get that… I mean, what’s your name?

Caller: Excuse me?

Mav: I don’t know what to call you. What’s your name so we can speak.

Caller: Oh yes… [flips several pages] I am Harry…. I am Harry Smith, sir.

Mav: Oh, nice to meet you, Harry. And where are you calling from?

Caller: I am calling from the Microsoft Technical Support in regar….

Mav: No, I mean, where are you calling from? What city? Are you an American?

Caller: Oh yes… absolutely, sir. I am calling from [flips a page] the Austin, Texas.

Mav: Oh, I’ve been there. It’s lovely.

Caller: Yes sir, it is. Now, sir, we are here to help you with the malicious software. Are you in front of your computer now, sir?

Mav: Yes, I am. And I definitely want to have you help me with that. But first, I have to know, are you a Christian?

Caller: Excuse me, sir?

Mav: What’s your religion, Harry?

Caller: Oh, ummm… yes, I am a Christian, sir.

Mav: Oh, so you have accepted Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior?

Caller: Umm… I’m not calling for that, sir.

Mav: Yes, I know, you are calling to help me because there’s a virus on my computer?

Caller: No sir. I am not calling for a virus.I am calling from the Microsoft Technical Support in regards to some error messages that we are receiving from your computer. It appears you have been affected by malicious software and as you are a valued customer we are here to….

Mav: Oh, I’m sorry. Not a virus. Malicious Software, right?

Caller: That is correct, sir.

Mav: But Harry, I want to talk to you about the Malicious software in your heart.

Caller: Sir?

Mav: You see, I have accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I am free of malware in my heart. Have you done the same?

Caller: No Sir, We are here to help you with the malicious software. Are you in front of your computer now, sir?

Mav: Harry, don’t you understand? I’m worried about you. I’m not worried about the computer. I’m worried about your soul.

Caller: But sir, the malicious software is trying to hack your computer…

Mav: But Harry, Satan is trying to hack your heart!

Caller: Sir?

Mav: Satan! Mephistopholes! Beezelbub! Demons, Harry! They are everywhere. They are trying to corrupt your soul. You don’t want to go to hell, do you Harry?

Caller: Of course not, sir. But that is not why I am calling. I am calling from the Microsoft Technical Support in regards to some error messages that we are…

Mav: Harry, I am concerned with the errors in your soul. I am worried. When is the last time you went to confession, Harry?

Caller: Um. I don’t know. I am calling from the Microsoft Technical Support in regards to…

Mav: Are you sure you’ve accepted Jesus into your heart?

Caller: Yes, sir.

Mav: Then tell me you love Jesus.

Caller: Sir?

Mav: I love Jesus, Harry. Don’t you?

Caller: Of course I do, sir.

Mav: Then say it.

Caller: Uh…. I love Jesus.

Mav: No, Harry, say it louder!

Caller: I don’t think I can do…

Mav: No, Harry. If you truly love Jesus, you would shout it from the mountain tops for everyone to hear. Just like me. I LOVE JESUS! Say it with me Harry, I LOVE JESUS!

Caller: Sir, I am new here. I have only been with the company a month and I really don’t feel as though I can…

Mav (shouting): Harry, Microsoft is invaded by Satan! You don’t want the devil to corrupt all those people do you? You can save them, just as I am saving you. Say it with me!

Caller: But sir, I am very new and…

Mav: Are you ashamed Harry?

Caller: No sir, I am not but…

Mav: You are ashamed! If you truly had Jesus in your heart as I do, then you would show no shame. You would tell the world. Say it with me, Harry. I LOVE JESUS!!!

Caller: I LOVE JESUS.

Mav: There you go, Harry. I am proud of you.

Caller: Now sir, if you are in front of your computer we are here to help you with the malicious software.

Mav: Harry, are you still worried about that?

Caller: Of course, sir the malicious software is.

Mav: Harry, with Jesus protecting us, we are free of the malware.

Caller: But sir, we at the Microsoft Technical Support are receiving errors from…

Mav: The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want…

Caller: sir?

Mav: The Lord, Harry… Jesus. His rod and his staff they comfort me. For even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, Harry. For he is with me. Is he with you?

Caller: Yes sir, but….

Mav: Do you have sin in your heart, Harry?

Caller: No sir.  I am calling from the Microsoft Technical Support in regards…

Mav: Microsoft is a den of sin and inequity…

Caller: But sir…

Mav: I know, Harry. I was born with sin. We all are. But through repentance and acceptance of Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior we can escape all of that. Don’t you see, Harry. We can be free. Will you renounce sin with me, Harry? Will you accept Jesus into your heart?

[CLICK]

Mav: Harry? Hello, Harry? [Turns to Steph] Guess not.

FIN!

I feel like I could have gotten way more out of that one if “Harry” hadn’t been so intent on sticking to his script. But I am pretty impressed with how dedicated he was to getting those two lines out. I might have to revisit this one again.


After the Credits Bonus Scene: Literally, Just as I was finishing typing “revisit this one again.” and about to post, the phone rang again. Steph once again called out. “I’m not picking that up either.” I ran into the other room. This call was  was from “Private” with no number.  I smile and answer. This caller had an accent that was kind of middle eastern, but he was trying very hard to disguise it as American. It came off more Mexican barrio than Microsoft Tech Support. He was totally more experienced, talked fast and got right into it.

Mav: Hello?

Caller 2: Hello, this is Brad and I am calling from the Windows Computer Technical Support. We are detecting some errors from your system on our centralized server that appear to be coming from some malicious software that has infected your computer. If you could please go to your computer, we can try to help to correct this problem.

Mav: Woah! Slow down. Umm. Did you say your name was Brad?

Caller 2: What?

Mav: Your name? What do I call you?

Caller 2: Oh yeah, Brad.

Mav: Oh great. Where are you calling from?

Caller 2: Austin, Texas.

Mav: Oh, can I ask you one more question before we fix my computer, Brad?

Caller 2: Uh, ok.

Mav: Are you a Christian, Brad?

Caller 2: Uh sure.

Mav: Can you tell me about it?

Caller 2: What?

Mav: Can you tell me about the moment that you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior and brought him into your heart?

[CLICK]

One minute and forty one seconds… Brad does not play that shit…

14 comments for “Telemarketer Theater: Born Again Edition (and Again)

  1. avatar
    October 25, 2014 at 3:27 pm

  2. avatar
    October 25, 2014 at 3:30 pm

    It’s really too bad that Pennsylvania requires two-party consent for phone call recording. These should have been recorded and animated.

  3. avatar
    October 25, 2014 at 3:30 pm

    It’s really too bad that Pennsylvania requires two-party consent for phone call recording. These should have been recorded and animated.

  4. avatar
    October 25, 2014 at 6:05 pm

    I knew it! I knew they haze the new guys by giving them your number!

  5. avatar
    October 25, 2014 at 6:47 pm

    I’ll know you calls are legitimate when they start showing up as scenarios in Microsoft’s annual Standard of Conduct training.

  6. avatar
    October 25, 2014 at 7:18 pm

    Arik: Since “Harry” called the company Microsoft and not “The Windows Computer” I was kinda thrown for a second….

  7. avatar
    October 25, 2014 at 9:03 pm

    Hmmm… I have a great idea for your “next profession”!

  8. avatar
    October 25, 2014 at 9:43 pm

    Lynn: Evangelist?

  9. avatar
    October 25, 2014 at 9:57 pm

    I kind of wish you received these calls more often, if for no better reason than our great amusement.

  10. avatar
    October 26, 2014 at 11:56 am

    “But Harry, I want to talk to you about the Malicious software in your heart.”

  11. avatar
    October 26, 2014 at 11:57 am

    Rod: Stephanie keeps yelling at me for being mean to these people, but I swear, I was like totally trying to save him and stuff!

  12. avatar
    October 26, 2014 at 12:00 pm

    These people are trying to trick folks into installing viruses and other software that will allow them to hack your junk. They deserve no kindness at all.

  13. avatar
    October 26, 2014 at 12:11 pm

    To clarify, I have no problem hanging up on these people or trying to convert them to Christianity/Satanism/HOVAism or whatnot. (As Mav mentioned, I was laughing in the background listening to this latest interaction.) I just thought the last episode involved a level of sexual humiliation that may not have been warranted for the low-level phone guy, who I imagine just wants to feed his family (hmm…I wonder how much they make…). But that would _definitely_ be warranted for the higher-ups, who really deserve to be in prison.

  14. avatar
    October 26, 2014 at 12:26 pm

    You mean “Mike” from this one? http://www.chrismaverick.com/wp/2014/09/18/telemarketer-theater-phone-sex-edition/

    How do you know that I just didn’t think Mike was really hot?

    Seriously though, I don’t have sympathy for him. Say he really is just trying to feed his family. His job is stealing my identity. Sometimes when you have a shitty job, you have a shitty day. And when your whole job is to steal my identity, then I have no problem being the cause of his shitty day.

    And besides, I like to see it another way. I like to believe that Mike woke up expecting yet another horrible humdrum day at the boring ass identity theft call center and instead he was treated to a sexual awakening that changed his life forever. I mean, I was on the phone with him… I’m telling you, that guy has never known ecstasy like I gave him that day!!!

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