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“I’ll kick you out of my SCHOOL if you don’t cut that hair”


(apologies to the Beastie Boys)

Seriously, do people who have dumb rules even hear themselves when they’re talking? I mean, I say horrible, inflammatory stuff all the time. I wear T-shirts with slogans on it. But I know I’m doing it.

So according to the internets (which you know, never lie and stuff), there is this five-year-old kid, Malachi Wilson. He’s part Navajo and his parents racially identify as such. In accordance with his people’s customs, he wears his hair long. Their religion says that cutting hair is bad. So he’s 5, and he’s never had one. He has a nice healthy looking ponytail. I bet ten years from now or so, he’s going to be in a rock band or something and pulling chicks like crazy!

Anyway, young Malachi enrolled in kindergarten this week and was sent home because the principal told him that his hair was too long for a boy. His parents were told that he wouldn’t be able to return until he cut it, because long hair on boys is a violation of the dress code. Mother comes in to complain and is told that it is school policy that all boys have short hair. She says that’s against her religion. School asks her to prove that the boy is Navajo. Mother says yes. Principal is like “really?” Mother shows him Malachi’s Navajo birth certificate SIGNED IN FUCKING BLOOD! Because she kicks ass and is hardcore like that!

Even with all of that, the school didn’t readmit him right away. They had to think about it, and tried to negotiate with her. “Well, what if he keeps his hair tucked in side of his shirt?”

The best part of the story? The school is in Seminole, Texas. Their school sports mascot is “the Seminole Indians” and they actually have a sign, hanging on their gymnasium that says “Welcome to the Tribe!”

You can’t make this shit up.

So for starters I’m against dress codes in general. I think they’re asinine. Particularly at public schools. I know people have arguments for them, but honestly, it’s school. It’s about preparing you for life. At five years old I feel like a kid is old enough to understand that harsh reality that “in this world, some people dress in ways that you might not like.” Of course, if it were up to me, we’d dump five year old boys in the woods and make them kill a rabid wolf to prove their worthiness to survive towards manhood, because THIS IS SPARTA, bitches! But whatever. Let’s just forget my feelings on dress codes.

In 2014, are you really trying to defend a dress code based on the logic of “this is appropriate for one gender but not the other.” No matter how old school you are, do you not for a moment see the fucking paperwork nightmare of ACLU intervention that is coming your way the second those words come out of your mouth? Because, like, I’m not an elementary school principal, but I imagine that it’s a busy enough job that I don’t want to deal with that shit.

But lets say you’re even sexist like that. Fine. Do you really not hear the paperwork nightmare coming when you ask a random parent to prove her ethnicity and religion? Because if you’re not smart enough to predict that, then you should maybe consider a career path other than educator… something more befitting someone of your IQ… like crash test dummy.

So I assume that the principal did realize that this was going to be problem. I assume, that he is a dedicated man, so devoted to his convictions that he said “for the good of the children, I must not let them be corrupted by the long hair of the savage redskin heretic that we are being forced to allow into our fine institution.” That’s got to be it, right?

But the thing that really bothers me… Doesn’t the guy that white people like to pretend was Jesus typically, you know… have long hair too?

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