Forget gay marriage. That is so 2013! We have now truly reached sexual equality because Cosmopolitan has acknowledged the existence of lesbians and their need to have really benign sex tips written especially for them! Finally we have reached equality! Thank you Cosmo!
Hilariously, Samantha Allen of the Daily Beast and Anna Pulley of Salon apparently tried these out with their respective lesbian lovers and the results were… what you would expect from someone experimenting with Cosmo’s sex tips. Allen and Pulley’s articles are pretty great, but what really stood out to me is that she totally jumped right into most outlandish of the sex tips. Those are the only ones she focuses on. So I went and checked out the original article myself, and while yes, The Kinky Jockey (Difficulty: 2 ♥s), The Passionate Pole Dancer (Difficulty: 2 ♥s) and especially The Defying Gravity (Difficulty: 5 ♥s) are amusing (particularly when you look at the accompanying How-To graphics they helpfully provide for you), I am more intrigued by the more standard positions like The Laconic Lounger (Difficulty: 1 ♥) and The Breast Enhancement (Difficulty: 1 ♥). I admit, I’ve never actually been a lesbian (despite years of trying my hardest) but those that I have met, have for the most part been at least of reasonably average human intelligence. I don’t think they need help coming up with the position of “face each other and rub your partner’s naughty bits.” Really, I’m pretty much sure that the desire to do that is essentially the base definition of what makes you a lesbian in the first place.
On top of that, I’m more curious with where the metric they use for determining the ♥ difficulty in the first place. Again, I acknowledge that I don’t have the exact physiology to attempt these things, but I do have a copy of Gray’s Anatomy (the medical book, not the TV show) on my bookshelf and a basic knowledge of physics and I’m pretty sure that The Rockin’ Rockette (basically laying down and going down on the other girl), The Lazy Girl’s 69, and The Classic 69 (all three of which are rated Difficulty: 3 ♥s) aren’t really more trickier than the Passionate Pole Dancer. Also, The Wicked Warm-up and The Bridge to Pleasuretown are pretty much EXACTLY THE SAME as The Rockin’ Rockette, only they only score a difficulty of 2 ♥s. While I will acknowledge that maybe since the Bridge to Pleasuretown uses a pillow it could be slightly less difficult than The Rockin’ Rockette, or at least more comfortable, since one girl gets a nice pillow under her butt and the other girl has 6 inches less that she has to lean forward, the Wicked Warmup has GOT to be more difficult, because like, you have stand up, or crouch… and even more so, because as everyone knows all lesbians wear high stiletto heels and impossibly complicated lingerie at all times. Actually, from reading Cosmo, I’m pretty sure this is true of all women!
Clearly I need a lesbian or two to speak up here and fill me in. Obviously the lesbian physiology is a lot more complicated than the heterosexual male one that I am used to. My personal theory is that it’s because your naughty parts are constructed of a complex system of weights and pulleys and maybe a flywheel or something. Dammit, someone give me a research grant!
Actually, I totally would love to research this. Not even just the lesbian positions. All of Cosmos sex positions! They have even helpfully compiled them into a volume or two! I’m going to need a research assistant (or seven). Who wants to help me apply for an NSF grant and then work our way through a couple thousand sexual positions. For control we will also be working our way through the entire Kama Sutra and Nerve.com’s Position of the Day. Which, by the way means we’re going to need a lot of grant money, because getting through this entire book means that among other things, on June 19, we’re going to have to fuck in outer space. So like you should be really good at scientific analysis as well as fundraising. Ummm, and you should also be really flexible and really hot. For the interview please bring a writing sample of a grant proposal and be prepared to demonstrate your competency with Microsoft Excel, IBM SPSS, and Cowgirl Riding (Difficulty: 3 ♥s. Seriously?!?!? 3 ♥s?!?!) If hired, you will be provided with a laptop, clipboard, lubricant and condoms but must provide your own pens, paperclips, stripper heels, and dildos. Catholic Schoolgirl miniskirts encouraged but not required. Competitive Salary, Full Healthcare including Dental and birth control. Which means, it beats the hell out of working for Hobby Lobby! We can be like Masters and Johnson! (Which reminds me, Showtime’s Masters of Sex season 2 started a few weeks ago. I really need to catch up on that!)
The really funny thing that I learned while going through this is that I think Cosmo is basically in on the joke. Maybe there really are a bunch of horny and nubile twenty-something year old girls out there who are really asking themselves “what is it? What do I have to do in order to drive my man (or I guess, now woman) wild in bed? How can I get him to fuck me?” and they don’t realize the secret to driving a man wild in bed is pretty much to lean over to him and say “hey, you want to fuck me?” (and if this describes you, then by all means, please submit your CV for my research assistant position). But I think at this point Cosmo mostly realizes that it’s all just a big joke. I went looking for some of their sex tips in order to make fun of them, and while I did eventually find some that I think they’re taking seriously, even if they’re written for women who clearly have NO imagination whatsoever (I shit you not, my favorite sex tip that I cam across when researching this was literally “have you tried touching his penis“) most of the ones I found really seemed to be Cosmo making fun of Cosmo sex tips. My favorites were: 50 Unretouched Sexual Positions for Real People (all of which were very subtle variations on Missionary, like Missionary with hand on boob and Missionary with hand on other boob.), 10 Sex Tips Inspired by Orphan Black (“Talk about science to get in the mood. Talking about neoevolution and microbiology is basically dirty talk. If you really want to kick it up notch, mapping the human genome basically guarantees sex afterward.”), 7 Amazing Sexy Positions Illustrated by Peeps (really, don’t click it. It’s exactly what you think it is. Ok, I know you’re clicking it. I warned you), 12 Realistic Threesome Sex Positions (“The Third Eye. Start having sex with one person, but keep accidentally making eye-contact with the other person. Try to figure out what they’re thinking right now.”) and of course Never Let Go: 10 Sex Tips Inspired by Titanic (“Put a large raft in a pool, and attempt to have sex while on top of it. First person to fall off loses, and dies.”) Note: These are not joke sites like Nerve. These are the actual Cosmo sex tips I found. Clearly they get what they’re doing.
I mean, no one is this dumb, right? Right?!?
(Again, if you are this dumb, that does not automatically disqualify you from the aforementioned research position. Please, feel free to apply).
But now that I think about it, sexual equality hasn’t REALLY been reached yet, because Cosmo hasn’t hit all possible demographics yet. To get them started, if they agree to give me corporate sponsorship for my study, I will write for them a little column I am tentatively calling 37 Mind Blowing Sex Tips For Gay Men! This is really innovative stuff. I don’t want to give too much away yet, but 14 of the 37 are going to end with “and then try sucking on his penis.” Yes, I realize that I’m not actually gay, and someone might claim that I lack a certain expertise in this area, but I’m pretty sure that I’m just as experienced with any of these techniques as the people who currently write Cosmo sex tips are with … you know… sex at all.
By the way, all the images here (except the Space Sex one from Nerve.com) are my photography. I figured I’d end this with a few other lovely girl/girl pin-up shots I’ve done over the years just because. But it bears mentioning that (at least as far as I know) none of the women who posed for these shots are actually lesbians. But, I think that’s fine because clearly, neither are the people who wrote for Cosmo. And besides, if I’ve learned nothing from a lifetime of watching
porn and Cinemax instructional and informative documentaries on sex, clearly all lesbians are just straight women biding their time until a real man shows up. Right? And if you believe that, feel free to apply to my research position.