Have you ever said to yourself “hey, if only there were a map that I could load onto my phone that told me where all the negroes were so that I could walk the streets without ever accidentally running into one. I would feel so much safer!”
Well, THESE PEOPLE have you covered. SketchFactor is an app launching this week that helps you avoid “sketchy” neighborhoods. Or, if you happen to find yourself in a sketchy neighborhood, now you can report it so that other
white people… err… concerned citizens don’t find themselves in the same predicament! And it’s uh… totally not racist. Really it isn’t!
Seriously, the single greatest proof of a divine being is that someone had to put these people on the planet Earth just for my personal amusement. Look at those smiles! Dan has this look that says “Look, Allison! With our new app, we can now walk safely down the street and you won’t have to worry about clutching your purse from the coloureds!” (in my imagination, you can totally tell that not only does Dan still use the phrase “the coloureds” but you can hear that he spells it with a U) And Allison is totally thinking “We’re geniuses! Everyone will love this! Let us celebrate with Extra large overpriced coffee with an Italian sounding name and then we shall go home and fornicate missionary style while listening to John Cougar Mellencamp!”
I love their website! Seriously, go there! They apparently did not anticipate the backlash, but they have heard it:
It’s no secret. We’ve seen the negative press.
Setting the record straight: SketchFactor is a tool for anyone, anywhere, at any time.
We have a reporting mechanism for racial profiling, harassment, low lighting, desolate areas, weird stuff, you name it. When people actually download the app, they see that this is truly a tool for everyone.
These hit pieces have attacked the founders personally.
How dare you people!!! You’re making them feel bad! They’re not doing anything wrong. They’re just trying to make the world safe for concerned
white people… err… citizens! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves! The app clearly states that it isn’t for reporting black neighborhoods. Just sketchy ones! This is for keeping people away from those unkempt spear-chuckers like Jay-Z (he used to deal the Crack, you know) and the other hippity hop gangsters like him! Well-spoken, upstanding law-abiding and well-meaning negroes like Bryant Gumbel, Colin Powell and OJ Simpson (in my imagination Dan and Allison haven’t read a newspaper since before 1994 and that’s why they couldn’t see this coming) have nothing to fear from them!
So I’d hereby like to announce my own apps that I will be developing as companion apps to SketchFactor:
- BigScore: This is the opposite of SketchFactor. It tells you where all the NICEST neighborhoods are. This way you know exactly where the richest houses are so you can… uh… move there. Not only is there a map to where the nicest houses are, but there’s an updated floor plan for each home so you can congratulate your neighbors on their remodeling. We also offer schematics for your home security system… you know… in case it breaks and you need to cut the wires and silence it. And for pro users, we have a “the neighbors are out” feature that tells you when your neighbors are out of town for an extended period of time and where they hide their spare key so you can “pick up their mail” for them.
- iBarrio: This app directs you to locations where you can procure “discount labor” that specializes in childcare and gardening. There’s a handy currency exchange rate calculator. Right now, it only converts US dollars into Mexican pesos, but I’m sure we’ll add other currencies soon… some day…
- JungleFevr: This is a multicultural “social networking app” specifically for users of SketchFactor. It’s sort of like Tindr! Using the same database as SketchFactor, users can find “friends” that they would like to “meet” for discrete “encounters.” Prospective encounters can even be sorted by “inches!” And there’s a “husband mode” that disguises the icon as Candy Crush when an unauthorized user picks up your iPhone.
- DeSpotify: This simply goes through your phone’s music catalog and replaces all album art featuring black people with lovely pictures of Justin Beiber and Pat Boone!
- MyBlackFriend: Finally, there’s our crown jewel! This simple but elegant app just adds me, Chris Maverick, to the user’s Facebook friend list and makes sure I always appear first when someone looks at your profile, that way people know you’re totally not racist, because you have one black friend! With an in app purchase, you can upgrade to Pro Status which randomly adds a SECOND black friend to your friend list, because everyone knows nothing is more racist than only having one black friend. Even having zero black friends is less racist than having one black friend.
I need to make a Kickstarter or something.