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The Solution to Adolescence

247717_4918283883439_1241630019_nSo remember that kid I wrote about the other day who was arrested for creating child pornography but really for having the audacity to fuck his girlfriend? Well, just so that he knows that it’s not just boys who get arrested, meet Kaitlyn Hunt, an 18-year-old honor student and varsity cheerleader from Florida, who was arrested for dating a 15-year-old in her school. Because, you know, the last thing you want is for your kid to be sleeping with a role-model student with good grades. Oh yeah, she’s also gay. That probably has something to do with it too. Apparently her girlfriend’s parents had her arrested for corrupting their daughter.

Clearly this is getting out of hand. So I propose a solution. In order to protect children from their naughty, sinful hormones, we will lock them all up in internment camps upon their 11th birthdays and not release them until they’re 25 and ready to be married off to a person of their parents’ choosing for breeding. Oh, and we will have to lock them all up in solitary, because if they’re in general population there is too great a chance that they will catch “the gay.” This may seem harsh, but clearly it’s the only way to keep them safe from the dangers of their sinful genitals. Well, I mean, guess we could have them spayed and neutered, but unlike my idea, that just seems unreasonable.

With parental approval, teens can of course apply exemption if it is deemed that they’re too unattractive for any other teen to ever want to mate with them. Come on, you know who you are.

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