Yes!!! It’s been weeks since I’ve been able to write a new tech service scam play! Well the wait is over!
Our hero, MAV is catching up on some DVR’d tv shows while he cleans his home. A telephone rings. MAV reads the caller ID and smiles. He picks up the phone. The caller is a man with a very VERY *VERY* thick Indian accent, who speaks quite slowly. Mav opens up his MACINTOSH laptop so that he can start transcribing the conversation he is sure will take place.
Caller: Hello, this is Frank and I am calling you from the technical department of the Windows Computer…
Mav: Oh goodie!!!
Caller: Excuse me, sir?
Mav: Oh, nothing. Please continue…
Caller: Hello, this Frank and I am calling you from the technical department of the Windows Computer and we are seeing that you are experience the problems with the sunturied sever.
Caller: The server, sir, we see that when you are trying to log onto the server you…
Mav: No, sorry… Frank was it?
Caller: Yes sir?
Mav: And you see me logging into the sun dried server?
Caller: suntried, sir…
Mav: Sun Tried?
Caller: Sun Tur O a-lised…
Mav (mumbling): sunturolied… suntroliled… CENTRALIZED? The centralized server?
Caller: That is correct, sir…
Mav: Oh, please continue…
Caller: This is Frank and I am calling you from the technical department of the Windows Computer and we are seeing that you are experience the problems with the sunturied sever. We are seeing many of the difficulties when you connect to the server and we are going to need your password with…
Mav: Can I stop you there, Frank?
Mav: What error are you seeing, Frank?
Caller: We are seeing errors on the sun…
Mav: Yes, the centralized server, don’t try to read that word again. What error specifically are you seeing?
Caller: I don’t understand, sir.
Mav: Look Frank, I’m going to level with you. I get a lot of these calls and you may be the worst ever at reading from the script.
Caller: Script sir?
Mav: Yes, the script that tells you what you’re supposed to say to me so that I give you my password. You’re reading very slowly, you’re making mistakes. You don’t even remotely sound like you know what you’re talking about.
Caller: I assure you sir, this is a very important call.
Mav: About the centralized server… I know… have you lost your place on the script, Frank. Do you need a moment.
Caller: I’m sorry sir, not everyone talks as fast as you. Some people prefer that I read slower.
Mav: read slower?
Caller: Some people prefer that I TALK slower, sir. It is easier for them to…
Mav: Frank, do you know who I am?
Caller: You are a user of the Windows computer and…
Mav: No, no, Frank… what is my name? Can you tell me my name. If I’m a customer of yours, and you didn’t just call this number randomly you should be able to tell me my name.
Caller: Well, sir I know that I called you at 412-88
Mav: No Frank, what’s my name?!?!? SAY MY NAME!!!
Caller (flustered, typing furiously in the background): We don’t have the names, sir. We just have the user account that…
Mav: PERFECT! Even better, what’s my username, Frank?
Caller: I’m sorry?
Mav: Top of your, screen, you say you’re looking at my account and so you must know my username, what’s it say?
Caller: Sir, I don’t have time to look up everyone that we call
Mav: So you make a lot of these calls?
Caller: Of course, sir. We are the Windows com…
Mav: Yes, you are the Windows Computer. I know. I know. Frank, what’s the error you’re seeing? What’s my username? Can you even tell me who my ISP is. What’s my IP address? Keep up with me Frank, do you have anything?
Caller: Stephanie Sill-her?
Mav: What’s that?
Caller: Stephanie Sill-her? Ummm… Sillier? Silyer? That’s who you, are, sir…
Mav: That’s not even close Frank.
Caller: But sir.
Mav: I’m trying to help you, Frank… you’re not very good at this whole social engineering thing. If you’re going to be trying to scam people and steal their passwords with cold calls, you have to think faster on your feet. Work with me here, Frank. You need to be able to answer basic computer questions. You need to have a better company name than “The Windows Computer” which is NOT an actual thing. You need to be able to read english from your script and not sound like a four year old sounding out the words.
Caller: I don’t need this, sir
Mav: Do you want to be an identity thief or not, Frank? I’m trying to help you here…
Caller: I don’t need this, sir, you are clearly wasting my time.
Mav: You called me!!!!
Mav: Frank? Frank? Awww….
I love it when they hang up on me…