So in case you haven’t heard, Jessica Simpson is fat now. I know a lot of people probably wouldn’t consider her fat, but by presidential decree, she’s fat.
So, this weekend I caught one of the tabloid shows, I think it was called something like Inside Extra Access Tonight or something like that, and they just made this huge deal of Obama calling Jessica fat. I think it’s funny of course, because he really didn’t, he was just stating what was on the cover of the magazine. But contrary to what some Obama apologists are saying he was making a joke at her expense.
And contrary to what Simpson apologists might say, she is fat. Is she humongous? No. And the tabloid show interviewed a string of other celebs who gave the whole schpiel about how beautiful women come in all shapes and sizes, blah blah blah. And they did the whole riff on the problem with Hollywood is that it make regular women think they have to look like a magazine cover and bravo for Jessica Simpson for breaking that trend and being comfortable.
Let me clue you in on something. Jessica Simpson isn’t a regular woman. Regular women have jobs and IQs over 14. Jessica Simpson is famous for two reasons, and neither of them are her singing or acting ability. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to say she can’t sing. I actually think she’s a surprisingly decent singer. But I’m not really a fan, per se. No one is. Singing brought her to the dance, yeah. But it’s her tits that made her homecoming queen.
Jessica Simpson’s job is to be superhot. That’s what she does for a living. A normal woman can look great being a size 12 (what she reportedly is right now, which honestly is by no means obese or anything), but her job is to be a size 2, which is what she was not very long ago. And when you gain that kind of weight, especially when you started off that small, well, that’s called getting fat.
And Jessica is not ok with it. Don’t fool yourself. People who are ok with criticism don’t launch into speeches on stage about how they have the love of their life and that person makes them feel beautiful and so does God and God is all that matters, etc., etc., etc. People who are ok with their weight don’t suddenly bust out the the Daisy Dukes after 4 years, but cut a longer pair than they’ve ever worn before and take to baggy t-shirts. That’s not feeling “ok with it.”
Trust me, I’m fat right now. I mean, I’m skinnier than a lot of people I know who I wouldn’t really consider fat, but I’m not comparing myself to them. I’m comparing myself to what I looked like when I was in shape and I don’t look like that right now. So I need to lose weight to get back there. And until I do, I wear shirts in the wrestling ring. That’s all I’m saying.
So yeah, while I commend all you Hollywood types for coming to Jessica’s defense, (Carmen Electra, Ashlee Simpson, Kim Kardashian, and Heidi Klum), give me a fucking break. I don’t see any of you going up five dress sizes in a year.
So in closing, yes… she’s fat. The president says so. And whatever the president says goes. Jessica Simpson is fat. Blowjobs don’t count as sexual relations. Mission Accomplished.