I have these days when I get really down on myself. Where I start thinking about this whole "being an aritst" thing and start wanting to reexamine my life.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I want to quit. Really I have no interest in that. And I’m not giving up. I’ll keep trying to the day I die. It’s just that the more I try and the more I don’t really get anywhere, the more depressed I feel about it.
Please don’t give me the standard pep talk: "but you just did a show." "but what’s important is that you do art for you." because that’s really all bullshit. Sure, I do this stuff for me. Sure I couldn’t stop if I wanted to. But at the end of the day, its all about feeling like I’ve accomplished something. Like I’ve gotten somewhere. I don’t feel that.
Really, I wish it was so simple as saying "woohoo, people like me." Really, I tell myself about every day how lucky I am to be as talented as I am, and to be completely self-centered for a moment, I really do think I’m talented. But no, I’m not happy. I’m not satisfied. Something in my brain just makes me feel like until I can make a living, some kind of living, doing the things I love, I’m just not going to be happy.
Yeah yeah yeah, most people have jobs they hate. Most people never get to realize their dreams. But honestly, fuck most people. I really don’t care. I want to be happy, and I just know myself well enough to know I’m really not going to be that way until the world remaps a bit in my image. The really funny thing is, I don’t hate my job. In fact, I even like it. I’m proud of what I do for a living. I’m good at it. But its not what I dream about. It’s not what I WANT to do. It’s what I tolerate doing. I’m tired of tolerating.
I need to be a rich and famous artist, reknowned all over the world. I need to own a popular trendy club, based around my party concepts which people so rave about that it eventually becomes a chain that puts Starbucks to shame. I need to have a harem of A-list Hollywood starlets that makes Hugh Hefner say "damn, Mav is the luckiest man alive."
Really, I’d settle for two out of three.
But you know, being on the way to one would be nice.