ChrisMaverick dotcom

6-20-07

6-20-07

Day 313 of 365 days.

Sometimes I feel like more than anything else, I’m keeping myself down. Despite praise by others I frequently don’t think my photography is very good (the same with my writing and pretty much everything else I ever do). Despite being pretty good at what I do for a "real job" (or what I did, anyway, back when I had one), I never feel satisfied with it since deep down I’d rather be an artist than a productive member of society. I never feel like I’ll have a career as a writer, or artist. I never feel like I’ll ever get out of debt and get to go back to school and get my Masters. I usually feel like I don’t deserve Steph and that inevitably she’ll get sick of me and leave me. I’m pretty much constantly plagued by self-doubt and self-loathing.

Sometimes I do the whole self-help self-evaluation thing. Am I afraid of happiness? No, not really. I like being happy. Its what I want more than anything in the world. Am I afraid of failure? Nope, I don’t think so. I fail at things all the time. I’d rather try and fail than not try at all. Actually, at the end of the day, i think the problem is that I just don’t like myself all that much.

Maybe I should work on that.

Yeah, I’m kinda having a pity party for myself right now. Sorry. I’ll work on being better tomorrow.

Anyway, I had this idea a few days ago, and then when I saw the Class With Dave assignment this week (Surreal) I decided that this would be perfect for it. The fact that it fits my mood today is just kinda a bonus.

365 days

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